Can good come from Open Marriages/Relationships?

[LSN80]

Can good come from open marriages/relationships?

The idea of an open marriage/relationship, or polyamory, is a simple one, in which both partners remain committed to each other in most ways, but look outside their relationship for their sexual fulfillment. Today, moreso then ever in our current society, open marriages and relationships are being formed. Many people in an open marriage find themselves generally happy with most aspects of their marriage, but find themselves lacking in the sexual aspect of the relationship. Many psychologists and psychiatrists today feel that as long as communication is kept open between the couple, then this can work as long as both parties agree to it. In short, the two get their emotional and relational needs from their spouse, and their purely sexual ones from other people. More marriages/relationships are moving to this today, and in essence, creating their own version of happily ever after. After all, it avoids the notion of affairs and "cheating", which is one of the largest causes of divorce today. A marriage/relationship is a bond between two individuals. When successful, each person plays an equal and instrumental part in creating something that neither could even aspire to on their own. What these two play out should be guided by pleasing their partner, and deriving their pleasure in an optimal way that both agree will make the other happy. So if an open marriage is agreed upon as something that can make both partners happy, then other then moral/religious reasons, is there really a problem?

I would argue that there's no possible way for this ideal to work in the long haul. That inevitably, one partner or the other will start forming an outside attachment to one of their partners that's more then just sexual. Obviously, this would threaten the ideal of the open marriage, where the outside partners are sexual only, and the marriage provides everything else. But it can be a slippery slope to allow someone to connect sexually with another person long term, and not think that they'll form other attachments as well. After all, we do form and need emotional attachment, and it is the crucible of much of our growth as adults. I wonder what people truly accomplish by their escapades outside of their marriage/relationship, whether it's a form of escapism, and if both partners are being equally honest in wanting such an arrangement. The risk is run that one partner wants an open relationship more than the other, but presents it as something for the benefit of both.

Further, the idea of not putting restrictions on another person sounds extremely naive, not to mention misguided and potentially dangerous. At the very least, as with any relationship, you would need to set up some ground rules that protect both of you, your health, your home life, and the great relationship you profess to have. I wonder why people who engage in polygamous relationships don't put that energy into their existing relationship and use the trust between you as a springboard for endless inner and outer exploration and excitement. Of course, it takes work, as it's much easier to look outside for excitement than to find the source within. But that's just my opinion, and my questions are as follows...

Is there any scenario under which an open marriage/relationship can truly work? What benefits can come from one?

Could one(or yourself) truly lead a fulfilling life under the "ideal" that they sustain sincere, complete emotional attachments with one person while engaging in a purely sexual relationship with someone else?

Should an open marriage ever be truly considered when there are kids involved? Why or why not?

 

[Dagger Dias]

Open relationships can work if everyone involved is able to agree on what goes on in the relationship as far as being intimate with others. Now, open relationships and open marriages are different. I'm 100% against the idea of open marriages. When you marry someone, you are vowing to be loyal to them for life. That means you are only intimate with THEM. It doesn't matter if both agree to the terms of making it open. It's still cheating if you are married in an open marriage and get intimate with someone else. You cannot have a truly pure attatchment to one person if you get intimate with another. It's impossible. No matter what your personal beliefs are. Part of having that complete attatchment to only one person means only being with them sexually. You can't do that in open relationships.

That being said, it could work but it depends on the personal beliefs of those involved. The potential benefits are that if one person wants to experiment in ways that their spouse disagrees with but they are open then they can get that experience elsewhere. Or if they have a fight they can go find stress relief in their friends with benefits, then return to each other. I disagree with the idea of open relationships even further if kids are involved. These kids would grow up with the knowledge that it's "ok" to have multiple partners. I personally believe that the open relationship could corrupt that child and cause a potential domino effect of other major issues, all due to the child's parents wanting an open relationship. That might work for regular relationships but once your married and/or a parent, monogamy is the way to go. The family would be in better shape emotionally.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Simple answer: no. More detailed answer: the chances are slim to none that any open relationship will ever be equal. If I was ever in an open relationship, I think it'd only be human nature for me to get quite upset and jealous if my partner was getting more ass than I was (and vice versa).

Quite frankly, I think that proponents of open relationships are either ignorant of the fact that there's a trade-off between intimacy and sexual freedom or they just don't give a fuck and want to have their cake and eat it too. Show me one open relationship that has worked and I'll, in return, show you ten that haven't and that destroyed a perfectly good thing.

 

[#hamler]

There is strictly nothing wrong with open relationships/polyamory. If there is consent from both sides of the relationship, who are we to say you can't live your life a certain way? As long as that bond between the two isn’t broken in an open relationship, I don’t see the harm.

However, having your girl express serious love for another individual other than yourself can be a fucked up thing to deal with. You don't know who your lover's really with emotionally. To complicate matters, if your significant other would make time for the other person and not you, that's more than I could take.

Would I be in an open relationship? Hell no. But I cannot force myself to believe that two people can't live their life a certain way because society looks at said matter as sinful, bad, or wrong which is complete bullshit.

 

[WWWYKI777]

Is there any scenario under which an open marriage/relationship can truly work? What benefits can come from one?

Could one(or yourself) truly lead a fulfilling life under the "ideal" that they sustain sincere, complete emotional attachments with one person while engaging in a purely sexual relationship with someone else?

Should an open marriage ever be truly considered when there are kids involved? Why or why not?

1.Well I think in theory it could work for SOME people I mean why not , I hear that people with relationships like that are more likely to stay together because then they don't break up just so they can sleep with someone else once in a while. So I guess the benefits are getting to cheat w/o being penalized for it

2.Could I see myself doing that? Hell no , because that would involve trying to pick up other chicks with whom I'd have to wear a condom when I could go home and w/o an effort do it with the actual (future) wife w/ no damn condom FTW.

Then on the flipside , I know I'd be pretty annoyed with it if I was married and my wife was fucking other dudes on the side and I'd be ESPECIALLY pissed off if the open-ness of the marriage was only benefiting her and she'd be screwing other dudes while I'd likely not be getting laid by anyone else on the side because I hate the effort involved and like I said , screw condoms... then it'd be an unbalanced and stupid open relationship

Like some say that phrase , why go buy milk when you got the cow at home

3.I don't know , I guess that just depends on if the people doing it think they can pull it off without seeming suspicious/obvious to the kids and without straining the relationship to a breaking point

 

[SalvIsWin]

I would argue that there's no possible way for this ideal to work in the long haul.

You cannot have a truly pure attatchment to one person if you get intimate with another. It's impossible.

Impossible for you two, but I'm fairly certain that there are plenty of couples who find this kind of relationship beneficial for all parties involved. Would you really be willing to bet that there's never been an open relationship or marriage that lasted?

Can good come from open marriages/relationships?

Potentially.

Is there any scenario under which an open marriage/relationship can truly work? What benefits can come from one?

If both parties truly want it. I think the chances of that are low, and I think it's far more likely that one partner begins to dislike the arrangement, but I think it's foolish to say that it's impossible for the scenario to work. The benefits would be that both partners are happier people because they enjoy having sex with multiple people, or just different people.

Could one(or yourself) truly lead a fulfilling life under the "ideal" that they sustain sincere, complete emotional attachments with one person while engaging in a purely sexual relationship with someone else?

Define fulfilling, because what you find fulfilling in a relationship as opposed to what an open marriage partner would find fulfilling is likely to be different. I think it's possible for a couple to be non-exclusive sexually, while still being exclusive emotionally - it would be difficult for most people, but it could be done.

Should an open marriage ever be truly considered when there are kids involved? Why or why not?[/QUOTE]

Tough one. Depends what you mean when you say considered. If you mean by the parents, then no, because the chances are that one partner is going to dislike the arrangement after a period of time and that could cause friction, and that kind of stress or trauma affects a child very heavily. If you mean whether legally that should be allowed - I'm not quite sure.

Show me one open relationship that has worked and I'll, in return, show you ten that haven't and that destroyed a perfectly good thing.

This only serves to prove that a monogamous relationship has more longevity for the average person than an open-one, which I think we can all agree with. The question is can any good come from an open marriage or relationship.

 

[LSN80]

Impossible for you two, but I'm fairly certain that there are plenty of couples who find this kind of relationship beneficial for all parties involved. Would you really be willing to bet that there's never been an open relationship or marriage that lasted?

I believe in the ideal of never say never. Im SURE there has been a couple somewhere, somehow, that has made the open relaionship work. I just believe very strongly that unless a person is such arrangement solely engages in one night stands, some emotional attachment will come as well if the individual goes back to the same person at the same time. Emotional attachment, to me, is the cornerstone of what we as human beings draw our strength from. Without it, we die away on the inside. Its incredibly hard to have a continuous relationship with someone in an intimate way without SOME emotional attachment arising as well. I firmly believe its inevitable.

Some couples may find this relationship beneficial. Take the spouse who cheats, for example. To save the ma[rriage, one partner agrees to this as long as it makes their spouse happy. But this would have to be done out of the most unselfish love in the world for this to successfully happen, fully putting the others interests in mind as the cornerstone of their marriage. Ideally, this is what every marriage or relationship should look like, but this is pushing the limits of that "unconditional acceptance" of ones spouse.

If both parties truly want it. I think the chances of that are low, and I think it's far more likely that one partner begins to dislike the arrangement, but I think it's foolish to say that it's impossible for the scenario to work. The benefits would be that both partners are happier people because they enjoy having sex with multiple people, or just different people.

It is foolish to think that its impossible to make it work. There are people in this world who simply can't be satisfied with monogamy, and need that exploration with other people. But I think it would be equally foolish to think that theres a couple who wants this arrangement equally and will see it through til the end. I believe somewhere down the line, as you said, its inevitable that one spous will want this arrangement more then another. I could see this working much more in the short term then the long.

Define fulfilling.

To measure up to an ideal and carry it out to an end is how I would define it. If a couple can aspire to the ideal of an opn relationmship, have it be everything they imagined it would be, and live happily, that's fulfillment in this situation to me.

Because what you find fulfilling in a relationship as opposed to what an open marriage partner would find fulfilling is likely to be different. I think it's possible for a couple to be non-exclusive sexually, while still being exclusive emotionally - it would be difficult for most people, but it could be done.

Damn right. it would be impossible for me, even if it meant losing my marriage, to allow my wife to engage in relations with another partner. If I knew them or not, I wouldnt be able to escape the image of my wife being intimate with someone else. But Im not naive enough to think that there arent people out there who would delight in exactly that. Much of it comes down to the mindset and what one is willing to sacrifice in order to make this scenario work. As I said earlier, I find it next to impossible to believe that two partners committed fully emotionally could fully commit to the allowance of another partner for their spouses equally.

Tough one. Depends what you mean when you say considered.

When I say considered, should spouses or partners with children who are trying to raise them up teaching them right and wrong engage in sexual exploits outside of their marriage, and expect their child to be unaffected, in a negative way. Can it be done?

If you mean by the parents, then no, because the chances are that one partner is going to dislike the arrangement after a period of time and that could cause friction, and that kind of stress or trauma affects a child very heavily. If you mean whether legally that should be allowed - I'm not quite sure.

Im ging to stick to my initial belief that the couples are few and far between who are able to equally engage in this practice. It raises the issue o how you explain it to ones child, and justify it to them. Im looking at this more from a psychological standpoint, because I feel the child will be raised without the ability to have aa truly fulfilling relationship, whether it be with friends or with a significant other. We're all products of the way we were raised, for better or for worse. I just dont see a single way that a parent could actively do this, and not take an extreme emotional toll on their child along with raising them with a warped way of what a relationship is, let alone begin to even try to explain it to them.

There is strictly nothing wrong with open relationships/polyamory. If there is consent from both sides of the relationship, who are we to say you can't live your life a certain way? As long as that bond between the two isn’t broken in an open relationship, I don’t see the harm.

Nothing wrong? I woud never force my personal beliefs, some which are admittedly religious on anyone, but the idea of an open marriage breaks the bond of the marriage just in its arranement, Marriager is supposed to be a commitment between two people until death do they part. Ive never seen the provision in there where extra parties should be invited in order just for someone to gain pleasure. It spits in the face of the actual union of marriage. Why not take the time invested in finding another partner and commiting it to finding new and exciting ways to spice up ones marriage with the person theyre emotionally commited to already? I dont grasp the concept, personally.

Would I be in an open relationship? Hell no. But I cannot force myself to believe that two people can't live their life a certain way because society looks at said matter as sinful, bad, or wrong which is complete bullshit.

As much as I disagreed with you earlier, I agree here. The ethics, morality, and religious connotations need to be removed from the equation and see if it can truly work, as is. If it can, mad props to the couple who can successfully pull it off. I just ked now, even if I removed my moral and religious beliefs, I couldn't picture the idea of my wife making love to another man. Its the most intimate form of expression in a relationship, so its a difficult proposition for me to believe that someone could truly be emotionally committed to someone else while still while engaging in the most intimate act of a relationship with another person, especially if spread over time. But if a couple can do it, Im willing to remove my beliefs from the equation, be objective, and give them credit for being able to do so, despite what society may think.

Originally posted by Gaga7773.I don't know , I guess that just depends on if the people doing it think they can pull it off without seeming suspicious/obvious to the kids and without straining the relationship to a breaking point :shrug

But its so much more then this my friend. What is it teaching the child, especially when they move into their formative years, about relationships? Further, how do you explain it to your child as they get older? This is another area where I see it failing, and epically so. Either you sneak around and are constantly covering your behind and lying to your child about what youre really doing, or you explain at least the basics. And Im not sure how that sets any kind of example to your kid as how to have a relationship. If theres an upside to it, Id like to know how.

 

[Chardee Macdennis]

I think that it is certainly plausible that an open marriage can work in certain instances. There are some people out there that can keep sex and attachement completely seperate. If I'm being honest, I'd say a good majority of men could do this rather easily. I have many occasions where, for me, sex was absolutely nothing other than just that, sex. However, I think, for one reason or another, it's much more difficult for women to seperate the two. This is where it would fail for me each and every time.

I'd NEVER be able to believe that my girl was not emotionally attached to another partner. I could not handle that. I like my partner to be 100% comitted to me in every way possible. Jealousy is an evil trait that's reared it's ugly head far too many times in my past. I've learned to control it to a certain extent, but I'd never be able to do that if my girl was banging another man. Now, there are some personalities that could absolutely handle an open realationship, mine just happens to not be one of them.

I think all bets are off when children are thrown into the mix. It becomes our obligation to put our children ahead of our own needs and I don't think the two lifestyles would be able to co-exist. I suspect there are some that would try to prove me wrong and I'd be open to hear their arguements.

 

[Calderownz]

Is there any scenario under which an open marriage/relationship can truly work? What benefits can come from one?

Could one(or yourself) truly lead a fulfilling life under the "ideal" that they sustain sincere, complete emotional attachments with one person while engaging in a purely sexual relationship with someone else?

Should an open marriage ever be truly considered when there are kids involved? Why or why not?

1. It depends on the situation. If all the people agree to the same terms, then theoretically it has every chance of working. However, the lines have to be drawn and carefully walked. But, any relationship has the chance of working if all involved are willing to sacrifice and give when needed.

2. Personally, not myself. I don't think I'd find the appeal into it. Nonetheless, I'm sure people do. It's not something we have to really question as I'm sure there is proof of it in this country and around the world. People have different ideas of what works for them and people out there have found like-minded individuals that they are involved with, I'm sure.

3. It depends on the situation, once again. I wouldn't, but for various reasons. However, if the kids are old enough to understand the dynamic, then it's possible that it could work. However, as someone without kids, I can't really know for sure.

 

[Loveless]

Can good come from open marriages/relationships?

In the short-term yes but I imagine it being incredibly difficult to maintain the status quo for any period of time. It would require absolute security, equality and understanding and these things would have to be maintained over time, which is incredibly difficult when together they essentially equate to love, which requires dedication to each other. I know for a fact that there is no room for a 3rd person when you're in love.

After all, it avoids the notion of affairs and "cheating", which is one of the largest causes of divorce today.

Does it really avoid that notion though? It may lack the secrecy of an affair but do you really think that saying "Hey Wifey, I'm off to fuck someone else, see you later" isn't some form of betrayal? There's more to cheating than the secrets and lies.

So if an open marriage is agreed upon as something that can make both partners happy, then other then moral/religious reasons, is there really a problem?

It's one thing making an agreement, it's another thing maintaining it, especially when people's feelings and sex are involved. Relationships simply aren't a logical creature.

I wonder what people truly accomplish by their escapades outside of their marriage/relationship, whether it's a form of escapism, and if both partners are being equally honest in wanting such an arrangement. The risk is run that one partner wants an open relationship more than the other, but presents it as something for the benefit of both.

Well obviously they're looking for something that they're not getting inside the relationship, but you have to wonder if that's the case for both and whether maybe they should be together anyway.

Is there any scenario under which an open marriage/relationship can truly work? What benefits can come from one?

I think it can offer short-term stress release but not much more.

Could one(or yourself) truly lead a fulfilling life under the "ideal" that they sustain sincere, complete emotional attachments with one person while engaging in a purely sexual relationship with someone else?

Personally I think sex without a connection is hollow, and I certainly don't want a connection with anyone but my girl as it would be an obvious threat to our relationship. However, if she wanted that, I could allow it with some extremely strict rules in place.

Should an open marriage ever be truly considered when there are kids involved? Why or why not?[/QUOTE]

With kids absolutely not. I can imagine it being difficult enough to maintain a stable 3-person relationship but you can't bring children into that equation, it's not fair on them or what they need.

 

[Xemmy]

Is there any scenario under which an open marriage/relationship can truly work? What benefits can come from one?

Of course. I know a 2 couples personally that have been going at it for the last three years. Once or twice a month they switch partners. Is that to say that they'll be like this forever. Of course not. But so far so good. The biggest benefit from open relationships is sexual fulfillment. I can't really think of much else other than it being fun if done under the relaxed circumstances. Jealousy is one of the most difficult things to put aside, and one of the ways to do it is for all parties to be open about their relationships and be able to sit down and talk about them.

Could one(or yourself) truly lead a fulfilling life under the "ideal" that they sustain sincere, complete emotional attachments with one person while engaging in a purely sexual relationship with someone else?

I could. I personally have no problem with my girlfriend fucking another guy. There are ground rules of course, but it's one of the things I make clear in a relationship. No girl I've met is comfortable with the idea though- so I let it drop. I always make sure the idea is out in the open though. I'd like to add that I don't like the idea of a purely sexual relationship with a third party. I'd much rather her have sex with my best friend, then with some stranger I wouldn't know or approve of.

Should an open marriage ever be truly considered when there are kids involved? Why or why not? An open marriage can be considered, but there is even more caution with children involved. Marriage itself is a 50/50 risk here in the states, and an open marriage increases that risk by creating turmoil. It's not something I would outright recommend to a married couple with children, unless their marriage is it's last legs anyhow, and an open relationship might save it.


Open relationships are risky and often times tough to manage- but I approve of them because I have this sense that even though I'm in a relationship with someone, I don't own them. Their body doesn't belong to me. It's theirs to do with as they please. While a relationship is a commitment, being open sexually, and even emotionally is something I prefer. People love more than one person and sometimes it's better to be open, rather than let your jealousy kill your love for someone just because they love more than just you.



To answer Loveless- It's not cheating if you aren't breaking the rules. And I wouldn't feel the least bit betrayed.

 

[Lilio]

Im kind of in awe at how some people treat the matter of open relationships as something hazardous. Of course an open relationship can work, it has the same success rate as any other kind of relationship. It just depends on who you are. If you are the kind of person that would want that kind of relationship, good for you. It's probably not something MOST people would like, but just because it works for a minority doesn't make it wrong and meant to fail.

Should an open marriage ever be truly considered when there are kids involved? Why or why not?

The only way that could be a bad thing is because of the society we live in and most peoples distorted view of what is "right and wholesome". I don't think a child would suffer when there are more people around to love and support it. Anyone who has grown up with parents and a uncle close to the family for example, oughta know that.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Im kind of in awe at how some people treat the matter of open relationships as something hazardous. Of course an open relationship can work, it has the same success rate as any other kind of relationship. It just depends on who you are. If you are the kind of person that would want that kind of relationship, good for you. It's probably not something MOST people would like, but just because it works for a minority doesn't make it wrong and meant to fail.

I'm going to call bullshit on this one unless you can provide statistics.

Should an open marriage ever be truly considered when there are kids involved? Why or why not?

The only way that could be a bad thing is because of the society we live in and most peoples distorted view of what is "right and wholesome". I don't think a child would suffer when there are more people around to love and support it. Anyone who has grown up with parents and a uncle close to the family for example, oughta know that.

This is just flat-out wrong. Firstly, you're confusing an open relationship with a sexually-free style of commune living. Almost all open relationships involve a financially committed couple seeking sexual gratification elsewhere. I have no clue where you're getting this idea that extramarital partners are there to love the children of the spouses in question; I'm pretty sure they could give two fucks about them. Secondly, are you aware of the psychological toll that these types of relationships take on children? How the hell is a young and emotionally vulnerable child going to be aware of these so-called distorted views when he/she hasn't even been fully acquainted with social norms/mores? Children need stability and, at the very least, the appearance of a loving, faithful, and committed relationship between their parents. Since almost all people have a hell of a time compartmentalizing their lives, it's no wonder why most people in here are against the idea of an open relationship when children are involved.

 

[LigerBomb]

Can good come from Open Marriages/Relationships?

Of course. One learns what NOT to do and thereby benefits, much in the same way watching prison rape would probably dissuade you from wanting to commit crimes that send you to the aforementioned heinie hole hell house.
It really just comes down to the fact that people are just too selfish and insecure for it to be a viable, workable way to sustain relationships. Is it impossible? No, probably not, but I would argue that the exceptions far out number (and thus prove) the rule.

As for kids:
Children come out screwed up enough with a normal upbringing and in the best case scenario, why heap on more problems in the form of parents that sleep around?

 

[iwinulose]

-open relationships/marriages are horrible, its cheating just you know about it. especially in marriage, if you really love a person you and that person shouldnt be sleeping with everyone else, you should be together with each and only each other or else theres no point, and you should just opt to be friends with benefits. idk, call me old fashioned but if your with someone, thats the only person you should be with.

-just my own opinion of course, some people are ok with open relationships/marriages mostly cause they can go have sex with other people without risk of being bitched out and avoiding the drama, and losing half their crap to someone else. i honestly cant really think of any pluses other then sex with everyone, but personally if im with someone then thats the only person im with, but i guess whateveer makes people happy right?

-also open marriages/relationships make anything long term rather difficult to maintain cause like really, would you wanna be with a guy whos gonna do every girl in sight? or a girl who is going to do every hot guy she sees? that kinda makes it difficult to be with someone.

 

[Moxi Mayhem]

I guess I'm really torn on this issue, because on one side, I'm all about the idea of polygamy and think it's totally healthy, but then the guilty Catholic in me (that I've been hiding away for decades) says that it's not right. I guess I can't really be against it because I want to be a father one day, and have to make that work somehow. My whole idea is that I want to have a house with a pool house out back. The mother of my child(ren) lives in the main house with my kid(s) and I live in the pool house with whatever guy I end up with. There's still a healthy, evenly-split mother/father dynamic in the house, but me and the mother are getting our kicks elsewhere. But it's not a divorce-style scenario. It's an alternative family, I guess.

...Are you aware of the psychological toll that these types of relationships take on children? How the hell is a young and emotionally vulnerable child going to be aware of these so-called distorted views when he/she hasn't even been fully acquainted with social norms/mores? Children need stability and, at the very least, the appearance of a loving, faithful, and committed relationship between their parents. Since almost all people have a hell of a time compartmentalizing their lives, it's no wonder why most people in here are against the idea of an open relationship when children are involved.

I have to disagree here, because if the child is brought up knowing this to be normal, they're not going to come out some freak with warped ideas on sex. I have to stress that I'm not talking about having the kid believe that "mommy and daddy are fine; and 'Uncle Steve' just happens to live with us too!". Of course the question will come up at some point, "why don't mommy and daddy sleep in the same bed/house?" As long as honesty is #1 and the kid feels comfortable asking questions, they'll feel just as normal as they would in any "normal" family. They won't get the gory details, of course. I guess I'm intending to be really Atticus Finch with my kids, though.

I gotta laugh at people who are like "I wanna be with my (spouse) for the rest of my life, and no one else... except Angelina Jolie/George Clooney!" It's natural for people to have urges other than what is given to them. Apple Cinnamon Cheerios are my favorite cereal; doesn't mean I want them for breakfast every day for the rest of my life. Sometimes you have to throw in a sliced-up banana on top, but even then it's still Apple Cinnamon Cheerios.

If both parties are cool with it, I think perhaps it's for the best that everybody's getting their jollies by whatever means necessary. The husband could have some kind of fetish that the wife isn't at all interested in. Does that mean he should never be able to get his full sexual experience, if she gives him the green light to get it from somebody who is willing? Believe it or not, sex and unconditional love don't always see eye to eye.

 

[LSN80]

I guess I'm really torn on this issue, because on one side, I'm all about the idea of polygamy and think it's totally healthy, but then the guilty Catholic in me (that I've been hiding away for decades) says that it's not right. I guess I can't really be against it because I want to be a father one day, and have to make that work somehow. My whole idea is that I want to have a house with a pool house out back. The mother of my child(ren) lives in the main house with my kid(s) and I live in the pool house with whatever guy I end up with. There's still a healthy, evenly-split mother/father dynamic in the house, but me and the mother are getting our kicks elsewhere. But it's not a divorce-style scenario. It's an alternative family, I guess.

How is that healthy? When i ask that, Im referring to the mother of your children living in the house with your kids, while youre kicking it with some dude in a pool house? I respect anyone's way of life and this isn't about sexuality, its about doing what's right by your kids. Kids, on a whole, aren't dumb, and just because they ask questions doesn't mean they're old enough to hear the answer. Im not telling you if both parties are in agreement not to find your kicks elsewhere, but I am saying its rubbing such things in the faces of your kids, who may never understand, and present you with more questions then youre capable of answering.

I have to disagree here, because if the child is brought up knowing this to be normal, they're not going to come out some freak with warped ideas on sex. I have to stress that I'm not talking about having the kid believe that "mommy and daddy are fine; and 'Uncle Steve' just happens to live with us too!". Of course the question will come up at some point, "why don't mommy and daddy sleep in the same bed/house?" As long as honesty is #1 and the kid feels comfortable asking questions, they'll feel just as normal as they would in any "normal" family. They won't get the gory details, of course. I guess I'm intending to be really Atticus Finch with my kids, though.

Which part of Atticus Finch are you trying to be? The man who sheltered his children from the horrors of Tom Robinson's trial, or the man who fought for the equality of all people? I dont see what correlation youre trying to make. And youre living in a dream world if you think kids growing up around them will think this normal, because unless you homeschool them, theyre going to grow up around many children who will have a typical mommy and daddy. As a result, your children will be the exception. So you'll in essence be showing them that the lifestyle you lead is anything but normal.

I gotta laugh at people who are like "I wanna be with my (spouse) for the rest of my life, and no one else... except Angelina Jolie/George Clooney!" It's natural for people to have urges other than what is given to them. Apple Cinnamon Cheerios are my favorite cereal; doesn't mean I want them for breakfast every day for the rest of my life. Sometimes you have to throw in a sliced-up banana on top, but even then it's still Apple Cinnamon Cheerios.

There are ways to spice up ones love life with one's own spouse. Feel free to laugh at me when I say that I love my wife more today then when I married her 4 years ago, and want to be with her more today then I did when we married. Do I fantasize about beautful women I meet or see? Sure. Natural urges are far different from giving into them though.

If both parties are cool with it, I think perhaps it's for the best that everybody's getting their jollies by whatever means necessary. The husband could have some kind of fetish that the wife isn't at all interested in.

Bull. Because in the case youre describing, its evident that it will lead to low self-esteem and jealousy in the wife who can't provide every whim of another's sexual desires. One party may say theyre cool with it initially just to please their spouse, but the idea of another woman giving their husband something they themselves can't is a recipe for disaster.

Does that mean he should never be able to get his full sexual experience, if she gives him the green light to get it from somebody who is willing? Believe it or not, sex and unconditional love don't always see eye to eye.

I believe it, its just another flawed theory. The idea of "unconditional love" is based on the notion that one sacrifices their own desires sometimes for the better of the other. I realize this can go both ways, but which one takes more unconditional love? Staying true to their spouse, even if they dont fulfill their every last sexual fantasy, or allowing their partner to sleep with someone else out of "self-sacrifice"? When presented that way, I dont see how one can, with a straight face, say the latter is the better example of unconditional love. Again, pleasing ones significant other is about much more then sex, and when kids are in the equation, its inevitable people are going to get hurt, regardless of what they say in a desperate attempt to keep their partner.

 

[Hollywood Naitch]

I would argue that there's no possible way for this ideal to work in the long haul. That inevitably, one partner or the other will start forming an outside attachment to one of their partners that's more then just sexual. Obviously, this would threaten the ideal of the open marriage, where the outside partners are sexual only, and the marriage provides everything else. But it can be a slippery slope to allow someone to connect sexually with another person long term, and not think that they'll form other attachments as well.

That is exactly right, allowing yourself or your partner to participate in an open relationship/marriage is just asking for problems as the possibility for forming more than just a sexual attachment is quite likely. It is quite feasible that engaging in sexual relations with someone you are already physically attracted to could lead to something else, a more emotional attachment.

Also, there is the jealousy aspect as the original partner/wife/husband could become jealous of the attention that his/her partner is giving to the "other" person, and start thinking that they ARE forming a different kind of connection, rather than just sex.

Jealousy could also exist in the number of people each person in the relationship is having sex with, is one having more partners than you? Are they better looking than you? Are they better in bed? Is your partner falling for them? etc.

To me, the idea sounds great in principle. Yeah, I get to sleep with loads of fit birds without the girlfriend being bothered...but looking at the problems it causes I do not think it would ever work. I could see myself getting jealous if she was sleeping with more men than I was women, and I would be comparing myself to these men, as I know she would with any women I slept with.

It would just cause problems, and for that reason I believe that most relationships that are open would fail (just a guess, I have not seen any figures), and especially not be entered into if a couple has a young child as doing anything which could lead to an increase in the possibility of a break-up should be avoided in order to make the baby's childhood as pleasant and "normal" as possible.

 

[Mustang Sally]

I wouldn't want it for myself. As for others, I wonder if the arrangement, which might seem exciting and exotic at the outset, would suffer in other ways over the course of the marriage. It seems to me two people should be in the marriage all the way......or not at all. If they aren't, there might be a crack in the foundation right from the beginning that will only widen with time.

But can any good come from it? In the long run, if two people agree on the arrangement, it's none of anybody's business and I'm forever amazed at the number of folks who live their lives by sticking their noses in matters that have no bearing on them.

If two people can make it work, more power to 'em.

 

[Jack-Hammer]

It can be something of a complex question.

On one hand, I've generally got no problem with such relationships. It's not for me personally but I know that it's a situation that could be satisfying on all levels to others. At the same time though, it just seems to me that there are a lot of potential pitfalls.

On the surface, the idea of an open relationship/marriage is one that flies in the face of conformity, certain religious views and the general moral beliefs of many societies. These factors can be attractive in and of themselves but I doubt they're enough to sustain the interest in such a relationship over a long period of time. Most of the time, at least based on the instances I've been able to watch or read about, these sorts of relationships are doomed to fail. A big reason why is that there's almost always at least one person in the relationship that seeks to add some degree of conformity and restrictions to it. In a nutshell, it's not uncommon for someone to add various "rules" to the relationship that are at least somewhat traditional. The problem is that a lot of people that enter into this sort of arrangement do so because they don't want to be in a relationship with any sort of traditional restrictions.

For instance, I've read or seen accounts in which there's a "rule" that your partner/spouse has to approve of the other people that you see or that you can't be with anyone else during a particular time of the week or month or year. Another common rule is that there can't be any sexual contact with someone else in the home that you share with your partner/spouse. Also, just plain old fashioned honesty is something that I've heard about. No secrets, just be up front with what's going on, don't sneak around with someone that hasn't been "approved" etc.

However, in the VAST majority of the stories I've seen on tv or read about regarding open relationships and marriges, they almost always end. Why? Most commonly is that one or both people involved wind up breaking the "rules" that the couple sets up. Personally, the idea of "rules" in a relationship in which you're supposed to be able to engage in sexual relationships with anyone else outside of your primarily relationship is something of an oxymoron to me. Because, as I said earlier, the fact that such a relationship goes against the traditional moral views of society is a huge attraction for some.

There's also the possibility of contracting an STD even if you do use protection and pregnancy. These are complications that can arise even in traditional relationships no matter how much you might try to plan things out so you can imagine how much more complicated they could be involving people that basically just go out doing whatever with whoever.

But yeah, it doesn't bother me if that's the lifestyle someone chooses. To each his own. But I don't believe that happiness is going to be found on a long term basis in most of such relationships.

 

[Mustang Sally]

Because, as I said earlier, the fact that such a relationship goes against the traditional moral views of society is a huge attraction for some.

Yes, and add to that the number of people who are engaging in hypocrisy when they enter these relationships, in that it isn't that they feel open relationships are more honest and natural......but rather they simply want to have sex outside of marriage and have found a way of doing it openly instead of on the sly.

Remember, one partner has to make the suggestion to start this type of relationship; I doubt it's something that comes up in casual conversation. The other person is either horrified and feels betrayed.....or he/she agrees. I suppose that many times the agreeing partner is thinking: "Well, if he/she is gonna cheat anyway, we might as well call it an open marriage and "legitimize" it.

But even while I can't see an open marriage that lasts 50 years(!), if two people can have a normal marriage in every area except who they have affairs with.....I say, go for it.