REMINDER To Hollywood: The Following Men Do Not Have The IT Factor

[Cena's Little Helper]

Dear Hollywood,

The season of tentpoles and blockbusters is nigh. As happens every summer, there will be one or two sleepers, a similar number of catastrophic flops, and an overwhelming majority of films that break even with their astronomical production and marketing budgets. In your attempts to avoid the ignominy that comes with losing 50-150 million dollars for your studio, please heed the advice that follows. Unless you got your hands on the golden gooses that are Marvel and DC comic book adaptations, it is in your best interest to avoid casting these men:

1) The Hemsworth Brothers: Every time I see a trailer with one of these dudes as the lead, I think to myself, "How in the fuck does the studio plan on pushing a movie with no one that I have ever seen?" After I ask myself this question, I inevitably go to imdb to look at the cast and see either Thor or Miley Cyrus's ex-fiance listed. These guys are so fucking devoid of charisma and personality that everytime I see them it's as if I am looking at them for the first time. They are nothing more than an amalgam of all the good looking faces and bodies that come to Hollywood to hit it big. If you don't want your film to tank, avoid the Hemsworth boys at all costs.

2) Charlie Hunnam: Guillermo Del Toro royally screwed himself by casting Hunnam as the lead in Pacific Rim. Hunnam got his shot and fucked it up, but then you were ready to give him another one as the male lead in 50 Shades of Grey? What the fuck is wrong with you people?! You're lucky this asshole decided he had too full of a schedule to shoot that film. Otherwise you would have screwed yourself out of a gimme at the box office.

3) Garrett Hedlund: Not as bad as the previous men, but, if you put him in a lineup with them, I would not be able to tell the difference. Tron: Legacy didn't flop, but that has more to do with Joseph Kosinski's raw potential as a director. While casting Hedlund doesn't guarantee your film will flop like that other guys, he is a HUGE risk, so proceed with caution.

 

[X]

Hunham is a guy I liked from Sons of Anarchy, but my fucking God, he was abysmal in Pacific Rim. While everyone else in that film clearly knew what kind of movie they were making and were all having fun, chewing scenery, not taking things too seriously, Hunham was acting like he was in fucking Hamlet, overacting every scene and taking himself, his role, and a film about GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS AND MONSTERS FIGHTING EACH OTHER way too seriously. It was painful to watch and I look at him in a new light now.

I don't mind the Hemsworth that plays Thor. He's got the look of Thor and even if he isn't a particularly compelling actor he can pull off the big dumb viking character well enough. His brother, I know I've seen him in films, but I cannot recall a single one, so that's how memorable he is.

The third guy I don't even remember. Tron: Legacy was a hugely overrated film in my eyes. Pretty visuals + Daft Punk soundtrack does not equal a quality film. Another film that took itself way too seriously. They could have taken some notes from the original.

There's a lot of actors who used to be big box office but have just been releasing flop after flop lately. Tom Cruise and Johnny Depp spring to mind instantly. If I see another preview for another new Sci-Fi film with Tom Cruise in it, I'm going to be pissed. If the last 7 didn't work out, I don't think the next one will either Hollywood. It's like those are the only films Cruise is allowed to do anymore. I don't even remember the last time he was actually good in a film. Tropic Thunder? Collateral?

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Liam Hemsworth is a lost cause as a leading man, because he's too dull, bland, and uninteresting to carry a film. Just watch Paranoia, if you need any proof. Hemsworth is supposed to be this suave and charismatic prodigy, but he's not believable. Without Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman carrying the load, Paranoia is in the top three for the worst films in 2013.

Chris is okay, and he has the look, but I don't see a big box office draw, and he needs to stay in a comfort zone. Chris is another case of someone, who can't carry a film by himself, because he doesn't have a commanding presence and he needs support from more talented actresses or actors (Charlize Theron in Snow White & The Huntsman, The Avengers, and Natalie Portman with the first Thor film. Haven't seen The Dark World yet, so I can't comment on it).

I don't know that much about Charlie Hunnam, because I don't watch Sons Of Anarchy, but it's hard to forget about his awful performance in Pacific Rim. To make matters worse, Hunnam and Rinko Kikuchi had no chemistry whatsoever together in one of the worst on screen love stories I've ever seen.

I've never seen anything special in Hedlund. Tron: Legacy is just eye candy. It's been a while, but from what I remember, Hedlund was the generic cocky, bad ass, who hates his father. In Country Strong, Hedlund plays Gwyneth Paltrow's love interest in a generic love triangle story. Although, to be fair to Hedlund nothing could save Country Strong, a horribly bland and boring drama with a deflating and predictable ending.

 

[Phoenix]

The first name that springs to mind is Ryan Reynolds. Honestly, I've never truly been impressed with any film he's been in because he is only playing Ryan Reynolds. He can't carry a film on his own, and last summer saw him leading in two flops, hopefully they can see he just doesn't have the IT factor.