RP Feedback Thread

[Hyorinmaru]

Logan McAllister (K Web V3)​

Alone this one is just OK. Not great but not bad.

When read in junction with Cooper & Keaton's is leaps up to some of your best work

It keeps in with the family theme that's at the core of who Logan is & why he's doing this. You went into why Logan has no choice but to walk out Elite Openweight Champion which is a must in this situation.

You even touched on the contention between Logan & Keaton which I was really interested in. In fact it left me wanting more of it which bummed me out because it was only a little bit but left me interested in reading future RPs to see if it continues and leads to a feud (Hopefully), so it's both good and bad.

 

[The Doctor]

Logan McAllister - Lethal Lottery VIII
So, to start with things I enjoyed...

Outside of the shows and the odd RP here and there, Logan McAllister is a virtual unknown to me. I've seen the Boston pride gimmick played by a few people, all of whom put their own spin on it, and that's something I think really shines with the Logan character. You manage you make his dialogue affected enough by the accent without going straight unreadable and you portray the city pride thing in a very humble manner which is not something I've seen done very often. Props. A unique character with a distinct voice and instant rootability.

I enjoy that he's a family man. That's something I knew about the character as well, and the idea behind the dynamic is very well-written. My personal favorite part in this RP is the scene in the Denny's as it's short, punchy, to-the-point, and features some of the best dialogue of the RP.

For the negatives, the big one is that I found the scene-setting to be very inconsistent. Sometimes you'd have a pretty solid piece of narrative that manages to convey both an action and a feeling simultaneously. When you're writing a family man, emotions are important, and if the readers don't care about the family they don't care about your work. So, the times you managed to really nail that only benefited your RP. However, at other times I feel the dialogue is very stilted and unsure of itself outside of Logan himself. A lot of phrases are used that seem a lot less warm than one would expect from a family man, or perhaps Hayden says a phrase that would have been more impactful had it happened in a very slightly different manner. I think that tackling the "I'm not alone, we're there for you" mentality is important but takes something special to make it work consistently.

Really, that's the biggest complaint. Dialogue that, while never unclear as to its intentions, definitely could have used some polish and some lead in. It felt like things were happening just to happen because you needed them to happen to make your RP work. That's part of why I enjoyed the Denny's trip so much - it was a natural family dinner and it makes sense to discuss things like this over food and the back and forth between Logan and Brittany was very very good.

A final point I want to bring up is that I did not read Cooper and Keaton's RPs to prepare for this (though I did read them earlier this week). I've heard people, who are named Milenko, say that taking in conjunction with those this is one of your best RPs. That brings up the question of whether an RP intended to be taken in conjunction with another still needs to be good enough to stand on its own and to that I say absolutely it does. Does this RP stand on its own? Well, yes, but on a weak foundation. It does the job, it establishes rapport between Logan and his teammates, and it puts the match and his gimmick over, and what more could you want? For me, I could have used a stronger connecting thread between all the scenes.

In conclusion, a solid gimmick and character voice in an RP that shows moments of brilliance but I find lacks the spark to truly push it to the next level, though the match itself may change that. I still give it a thumbs up because I enjoyed it, I just enjoyed some sections far more than others.

(Also, if any of this is incoherent, I apologize. It's been a long day of work and at one point while typing this I actually fell asleep and finished one sentence with a massive spoiler for a videogame I enjoy because I dreamed about it. I've since edited that part out.)

Hope this helps!

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Xaitlyn Serpiente (ShinChan™)​

I can't speak for everyone but I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed it because it was different. I've never seen an RP with a conversation between a characters Brain & Heart. You did it quiet well I thought. You hit the points that should have been in this RP.


The only thing that bothers me is the lack of back story. I like to know why a character does something. What their motivation is and W still don't have that and that bugs me.

Not bad but I think even a little back story would have brought this way up.

 

[a0161613]

Doc:

That was outstanding. I genuinely feel that on a level playing field, you have a chance of winning this. I don't remember your RPs being so damn fun to read. This hit all of the bases that a good return RP needs to. I particularly loved finding out more about Sax's career and the talk of the motivation behind his return is pretty sweet too. It was in depth without blowing it all on the return RP.

I can't fault it and if you don't go for a big run in this thing then it's a crime. And I really hope that you get a fun storyline between now and KC.

 

[The Doctor]

Austin Reynolds - Lethal Lottery VIII
Man, Reynolds turning at all was still one of my biggest WZCW shockers...ever. I've read a few of the RPs since then, so this'll be interesting.

First off, one thing I liked a lot was how you wrote your narration and scene-setting. We can see things through Austin's perspective and I really enjoy how much character and atmosphere there is in that entire first part. The interludes in quotes are interesting too. The opening line of the RP is so strong and really serves as a great hook that not only draws the reader in but also expresses exactly what the group Vis Imperium is about, and it also shows the reader the type of character this Reynolds is.

The strongest part of the RP, however, is probably the back-and-forth between Reynolds and Constantine before the Reynolds and Copeland interview. It's very quiet, yet menacing. Constantine really comes off in many ways as the politician he started out as, a man who holds the pieces and knows exactly where he wants to place them. It's clear there's a plan with Vis Imperium beyond just vague "dominance" and with Constantine showing his sleazy psychological side with all sorts of talk of working as a team while Austin mostly takes it in his stride with a few callbacks to his days as the Ratings Winner...it's just really compelling. The part at the end also does a brilliant job of humanizing all those in the group while simultaneously impressing on everyone just how powerful this group is (which is why you should dislike them, relatable motivations or not).

Now for a few negatives. I feel that the final section with Reynolds and Copeland's interview, while not bad, lacks the same poetry and spark of the earlier interaction between Constantine and Reynolds. I think there are excellent character-building moments in it - particularly Reynolds' annoyance at Eve Taylor even being brought up, and Copeland asking whether they can censor "shit" - but as a whole it is more functional than anything else. It defines Reynolds' personal stake in the match, which I appreciate, and it also provides an interesting contrast to how he was when he talked with Constantine. He claims to be in it for himself, yet he also claims to be on the same page as the group. There's potential there for some cracks. So yeah, like, there's good bits in it, but it felt very spartan and vanilla for what was a damn good lead-in. It got the job done, though, which is more than some could say.

The other thing is that while I enjoyed the narration in the opener as I've explained, I do feel that it sometimes felt very stilted which was jarring when so many of the lines really had a beautiful flow to them. There were times where it seemed to shift into a list of actions and then abruptly back again. With a sharper focus on atmosphere throughout, I think this RP as a whole would have benefited.

At the end of the day, though, this was a damn good RP with some truly excellent bits, enough to give you a vote over others in the match if I had the power to do so. This is an intriguing new direction for Reynolds, for sure, and it's obviously paying off. Keep up the good work.

 

[ShinChan]

Action Saxton - Lethal Lottery VIII

First, I want to admit that I have never read your RolePlay in the past. So this is my first time reading your work.

This RolePlay is just glorious. I mean, I knew nothing abiut Saxton beforehand and this RolePlay showcased the significant features of the man named Action Saxton.

Like, Action Saxton is a talented guy. Plus, he is pretty boastful about it. But there's no ego involved. He is extremely loyal to his two female friends, Jones and his students too. He is a strict lad too.

So, I guess that it was a pleasure reading your work. Your work surely confirms atleast a Last Four place in Lethal Lottery.

You're back with a BAAAANNNNGGGGGGG!!!!!

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Xander LeBelle

Great awareness to give the introductory paragraph as a backstory, considering a lot of us, including many old-timers such as myself, do not have the greatest memory of Gentlemen Masque. However, I feel like you could've transition from the explanation and backstory into reality a little more smoothly. It almost feels like we jump into the reality too quickly:

...It could have been a recurring nightmare, but he had what it took to make nightmares into dreams, and dreams into reality. His stretch limousine pulled into the stadium parking lot in Phoenix...

What I mean by too quickly here is that you used a new sentence. I feel like the first couple of sentences in the second paragraph could've been attached to the first paragraph, and then you start with the real-time events. The lines "dreams into reality" was a great transition, but it should've been used as the end of a paragraph with "His stretch limo..." starting a new one. Like so:

...It could have been a recurring nightmare, but he had what it took to make nightmares into dreams, and dreams into reality.

LeBelle's stretch limousine pulled into the stadium parking lot in Phoenix...

I saw your use of Action Saxton, and it was clever to never really mention his name for a while, and let the reader figure it out, as well as make him an irrelevant person in the RP in the mind of Xander LeBelle. At first, you had me sceptical of your use on him, considering your affiliation with Doc, but as I continued to read, his use becomes pivotal to your entire point, really nailing the point home. So, great job on using the Saxton character to drive your RP, and not just to capitalise on a friend's character who's coming back with some hype (since one of my biggest peeves in any story is to include characters who don't add anything).

Speaking of which, Adonis felt like a completely unnecessary addition to the RP. Yes, he's LeBelle's manager, but this RP was driven by the backstory, as well as the conversation between Saxton/LeBelle. Adonis' only real role here was for LeBelle to defend his position as a new character, and say Adonis wasn't the person to convert him. That would've been a more powerful line if Adonis wasn't in the RP; it would've solidified LeBelle's new character because he wasn't influenced by Adonis standing next to him. Furthermore, some of the lines nearing the end of the RP are lines I felt LeBelle could've internalised to himself through thought... or just skipped entirely to get to the next point/sentence LeBelle said. Granted, it would've sounded weird for LeBelle to speak to himself, and Adonis provided the default role to speak that line... but again, Adonis feels forced here.

So, you did excellently with a cameo appearance during a high-profile match, but Adonis took away from the conversation between two old friends. He felt like a third wheel throughout the entire RP, even when Saxton wasn't in the picture any more.

Another critique someone could give you is how you did very little to address your other opponents. I believe you sufficiently covered Titus and the Eurasian title well, and for someone like LeBelle's character, he should only be focused on the champion because no-one else really matters. However, I should warn you that the very little mention of Mancini and Theron (which, by the way, you only inferred, and never mentioned by name), that it could work against. I know I say this when some of the best RP's never mention opponents, and that my RP for the Lottery doesn't mention anybody, but I thought I should point that out to you. I get how LeBelle is so self-absorbed he doesn't care, but a little more mention next time... even as little as a name mention. Just something to show that LeBelle knows his opponents, and his match, to give the impression that you've done your research, and not riding any other RPer off. (However, this could be an old mentality I've had from previous era's in the fed).

And finally, one thing I love is how you concentrate your focus on success at the Lethal Lottery event. It shows your character is truly passionate about the Eurasian title, and the opportunity at becoming World champion second. Yes, you mentioned winning the Lottery, but you did so in a manner that references you winning the Eurasian title first.

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A really well-done RP overall.

A great conversation between Saxton & LeBelle, using the cameo to get across LeBelle's (and the RP's) point... however, the mystique and magic that could've been was dampened by the presence of Adonis.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Tony Mancini

Your use of Leon, at times, was questionable. Leon is the best interviewer WZCW has, and he's been through a lot in his career. He wouldn't be worried about visiting Tony Mancini because he's been kidnapped by Ty Burna, and he held his composure better than any normal person did. If Leon can survive Ty kidnapping him, then he can survive visiting the Mancini residence. Also, Leon has done many interviews without a notepad. He might be an awkward man, but he's a professional interviewer; dude doesn't need a notepad.

I feel like you split your RP in the middle unnecessarily. I haven't any idea why you had a car ride interview, then the funeral, then the second half of the interview. You should've conducted the entire interview in full, then arrive at the funeral to give the eulogy, and use it to create a big monologue to finish on. An eulogy can be one of the most powerful monologues in writing, and should always go last for the big hit. Putting it in the middle, to be followed up with more interview, took away from it being special.

However, what Mancini said was absolutely solid. Good questions by Leon with great answers by Mancini. I'd like to quote my favourite part:

Honestly Leon, no I haven't. People see me as the underdog in a match with only four people in it. I can only imagine what those people would say about my chances where I'm only one out of thirty superstars. I plan on doing my best but even I know the odds of me winning when people like Eve Taylor and Matt Tastic are in it are extremely small. No Leon my thoughts are on winning the Eurasian Championship and going into Kingdom Come as champion not winning a match to become a contender at Kingdom Come.

An absolutely brilliant paragraph here, despite the grammatical errors (which I'll get to in a second). You made an astute observation about the two matches you'll be wrestling, and then showcased Mancini's focus with another astute observation. Out of some very solid hitters, this was great, and considering this was near the end of your interview, it makes this response much more special, and fitting of a climatic ending.

The only thing I can complain about as far as content goes is that you may have rambled in places, but honestly, it was great for the most part.

You'll need to work on sentence structuring, and checking grammar. Whilst the grammar is not necessarily a bad thing, since most of us can put in the odd comma and such, your sentences can run on very long:

All of a sudden the door is yanked open and Leon is suddenly looking at an angry Gino Rizzoli holding an ice pack to his neck after taking that Critical Hit from Blackjack Theron after the main event of the last Meltdown.

Read it out aloud to yourself. You run out of breath before you finish the sentence. This could've done with a comma, as well as breaking it up into two sentences. Having run-on sentences, even when reading it in your mind, causes readers to get overwhelmed. Remember: the longer the sentence, the more convoluted it becomes, so you have to structure it in a way that makes sense. See how that last sentence was slightly long, and very heavy, but I was able to make it work with all these commas, much like this current sentence you are reading.

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You've definitely improved, and you're getting it. Really good PPV RP.

Concept and content were superb, but the structuring of the RP really gave a huge blow to your impact. If you re-structured this RP to have intro, car interview, then eulogy, I'd be hard pressed to vote against you. Also, if you can, and if you wish, try to see if you can spot run-on sentences when you right.

Main take away is you're improving, and doing well. You're on equal footing with everyone else in this match.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Austin Reynolds

A very lengthy and heavy RP here. I didn't lose my concentration here from the content, but the grammar and sentence structuring really threw me off a few times here. There are quite the number of sentences in your RP that ran on for a while, or had a misplaced comma, often confusing the content of the sentence:

So it is no surprise that when Steven Holmes was convinced by his wife to arrange more a suitable living environment for Austin Reynolds that the property ended up being more luxurious than Austin had dared to dream.

Speaking of content, I didn't quite understand the need for the flashbacks. I know what you wanted to do, and showcase how Austin Reynolds used to be, but the concept of your RP did not require such elaborate flashbacks, or even flashbacks of that nature at all. A passing comment, or some narrative description, could've sufficed. Definitely could've saved these for another RP.

From here, it becomes little nitpicks, and commending you on little things. One of the major nitpicks was Copeland saying "can we edit that out" when Austin swore. Swearing has been around forever in the world of wrestling, especially here in WZCW. This shouldn't be considered taboo, and such a line should be used for something horribly offensive. Swearing is not horribly offensive. Took me out of the moment, and you broke the "fourth wall" for nothing.

One of the things I liked was the explanation for Holmes and Abel being absent from the scene, considering FunKay wasn't having a great week. It put the entire focus on Austin Reynolds, and really captured how everything was on Austin's shoulders for the group. Great writing to turn an unfortunate situation into gold.

I think I noticed a few times where you used the wrong word, such as saying " the eve of Kingdom Come" when KC is months away, and just using words over and over again in a small space, such as starting sentences with "But". Watch you words, and vary it up a bit.

I felt like the start of the Copeland interview contradicted itself. You explain how the knowledge of Austin getting to see his kids hit him hard, and almost didn't want to do the interview. You go as far as having Austin "forcing himself to nod as many times as appropriate to acknowledge Copeland talking", but then have Austin openly communicate with Copeland. A little weird.

[A little personal nitpick - Austin said Eve wants to kick his face in for taking the title. On the contrary, Eve harbours no ill will towards Austin, and wished him all the best on becoming a great Elite champion. Outside of RP's, Eve hasn't done anything on the shows that would suggest her wanting to hurt you... so be careful when making those assumptions. Always check]

But yeah, this is me getting into the nitty gritty now, so I'll be stopping here, because I'll just be picking examples of stuff I've already said, or going way too deep, it'll be dumb to mention.

------------------------

You managed to build a long RP, and keep my interest the entire way with content. However, the flashbacks, and a few other nitpicks, stunted me when reading. I had to recover, but it was easy to do so.

A great RP.

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Everyone else I promised to do feedback for, it'll be done when I wake up. I'll do them in one big post as to stop spamming this RP feedback (which, my bad, I completely arsed up on that one).

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Prince Vee

As I was reading your RP, I was wondering when the meat of the RP was going to come. Every time I got to the meat, you took away my plate and served me my next meal. In other words, every time you created a concept, you switched to an entirely new RP concept. You used an eulogy monologue, a metaphorical marathon, and a dialogue between yourself, and your brain. All three are great concepts for an RP... by themselves. Combining all three creates a cluttered mess, wondering what is happening with this character. You don't want to overload the reader with all these different concepts, because they'll lose track. If you keep switching it up on them, then their attention span is disrupted, and the reader will lose interested quicker.

Personally, I believe you should've used the marathon. The eulogy felt like a set-up to why you ran the marathon, and you didn't use it to it's fullest potential, if at all. Also, the dialogue with Vee's brain was something that could've been conveyed better. Instead of a voice, I would suggest using the descriptive narrative as a thought process of Vee. You could've internalised a lot of "IT's" thoughts as Vee's... but the marathon was an excellent concept that I've never seen before for a Lethal Lottery match. If you dismissed the eulogy, and instead had a simple paragraph explaining Christopher died, and he was the reason why you were running the marathon, you could've dedicated your entire focus on the marathon. It is a very powerful metaphor, especially since you made it correlate with 30 miles, signifying the 30 stars who are in the Lottery.

Even when you wrote the marathon section, I felt like the content of the metaphor wasn't enough to satisfy me as a reader. You made some good points, but it was lost in the shuffle and you really had to pay attention through the entire RP to find them. Whilst readers enjoy finding hidden gems in writing, having the hidden gems as the only good points of the story is a bad idea. You could've done so much more here.

What confused me at times is whether you are a face, or a heel. Sometimes, Vee felt very cocky, and the tone of the "IT" inner voice sounded as if Vee is slowly turning to a bad guy, or are currently a bad guy. I understand Vee is suffering a loss of his friend, and this could shape his mind, but unless this is planned with creative, I don't see any reason why a face should be acting like this. I'll give you an example:

...thanks to my ingenious mind. Even with that ingenious mind, what I couldn’t understand is, the feelings and emotions of the inhabitants of this planet. Most of them despised me and I did the same...

Only a heel would internalise this, especially with the wording you've used here. Again, unless you're planning this slow turn, this isn't the kind of language you should be using for Vee. If he's distraught, an internal struggle and doubt is fine, but as a face, being so despicable is not a great move.

If you're planning to change alignment, ignore what I've said here.

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This RP is a bit of mess when it comes to picking the right RP concept, and when you did use the most interesting one - the metaphorical marathon - it didn't feel like you connected well. I felt like you tried to put a lot of stuff into this RP, but you went overboard, and this RP was a hard read.

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Xaitlyn Serpiente

I loved the concept for your RP. An internal struggle between the heart and the brain, and using the brain as the logical centre, as well as the heart for the emotions, is a great move, especially for your situation in the Lethal Lottery. You turned a bad situation into an advantage, and that is an excellent quality to have.

However, the middle part of the RP where you focus on Vee was a bit too long on the wrong subject. Since Xaitlyn will be facing him first, you are definitely going in the right direction to focus her thoughts on him, more than any other person on the roster, but you talked about the wrong aspect. It was almost as if you recounted exactly what happened after the match; we all know what happened, no need to say it again. I, as a reader, was more interested in what Xaitlyn was thinking, and feeling, about his situation, and how she'd look for revenge on Vee, and then go on to win the Lottery.

I liked how the line how the heart says the brain and itself are oneself, and that it was the reason why Xaitlyn is struggling to win. You've acknowledge your character losing, and gave it a spin as a characteristic of Xaitlyn. Again, you've taken a bad situation, and turned into something usable for your character. That is great awareness.

Outside of that, there are little nitpicks. When you used the word ironically at the beginning of the RP, it wasn't the correct word to use. Also, a couple of times, you either missed a word/used the wrong word or missed a comma, but since this RP was very clear and concise, it wasn't too much of a distraction.

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This is probably the best RP I've seen you do, and I commend you on working with an interesting concept, as well as taking multiple bad situations, and turning into something you can use for your RP in a positive way. I believe you'll do well in the Lottery.

However, I don't know if you'll be able to use this concept again, and not take away what made this RP special. I feel like you could hurt Xaitlyn's momentum by re-writing/re-using this RP.

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Action Saxton

This will be the third time reading your RP, because I had some trouble adjusting to Saxton again without becoming overwhelmed by nostalgia. Also, I did have a hard time reading it the first time. I can't quick put my finger on it as to why it was difficult. Anyway, to the RP.

I believe this was the best RP concept you could've come up with for the return of Saxton. You start off in Saxton style, then come back to reality to explain where you've been, and give us snippets of Saxton's greatness. What I truly loved was Saxton being portrayed as a human, rather than the over-the-top fighter we've come to stereotype Saxton as... it really showcased the passion of Saxton for coming back. You had a nice mixture of humour, and emotion, with the humour and exaggerated Saxton personality being toned down enough for us to want more, but enough to satisfy us on the first reading back.

In your explanation, you mention Saxton being in another company. One of my biggest peeves in any RP is discussing another company, even if it is completely made up and not a legit one on the internet, or in real life (and discussing the subsequent accomplishments). To me, you're making up these fake accomplishments that you can easily win here in WZCW, without putting in any effort. We don't recognise any other fed here, and all other accomplishments in other feds should be immediately disregarded. Making up fake, yet realistic accomplishments for your characters gimmick like Saxton beating up everyone around the world is fine, because it fits the character and the gimmick, but this is a wrestling fed where you fight for titles. Saying Saxton went elsewhere to fight for titles, and did well, is an extremely cheap way of saying Saxton is still great. Personally, I thought you should've blurred the lines here, and recounted your adventures in another fed as going across the world fighting bad guys on movie sets, or something to that effect. You could've still referenced the past accomplishments elsewhere, but fit it into the Saxton gimmick. Do you know what I mean?

Also, I believe Saxton coming out to address his students was a missed step. It felt like filler here, and could've easily been done away. I believe Saxton should've come out, looked at his students training in the Dojo with Jones leading the charge, and have Saxton well up before making his great speech of why he wrestles. It would've been a very powerful moment had he just walked out, simply seen them work without interacting, and become emotional. You could've then had the students interact with Saxton, and established a real emotional connection here. Don't get me wrong, the way you did it worked, and I still felt emotion... but I feel like the hammer didn't hit as hard as it could've to nail the point of your RP.

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A great return RP that covered your basis, but I felt like a couple of times, it took me out of the moment of the RP. Nonetheless, welcome back Action Saxton, and I am looking forward to seeing what you can come up with, Doc.

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Constantine

Your writing is always solid, and you can make some of the most mundane or useless conversations sound like a novel. I have nothing but praise in terms of how you write so eloquently on the page. Even with this RP that discusses something I feel shouldn't be in an RP, you had me reading through it and wanting to understand it, because of your ability to write and keep my attention, as a reader. Eventually, I was able to see what you were doing with the whole point of the RP, and I understood what you were aiming at with the Constantine sabotaging Vis Imperium from the inside... but be very careful here, because I was almost going to give up. I didn't see how it made any sense until the very end, and I believe you spent too much time discussing that issue.

So, whilst the middle was good, and the writing superb, you immediately lost my attention when you transition to the WZCW article portion. As I've stated, one of my biggest pet peeves is mentioning another company. Another similar peeve is writing a fictional match (i.e. one that hasn't been already written for WZCW shows) in an RP. Those are huge no-no's in any RP, no matter the relevance to your RP. If I wanted to read a wrestling match, I'll read the shows, and not an RP. There is no place for a wrestling match in an RP, as it is completely biased, and you can easily manipulate the outcome to showcase someone in a positive light. It is a cheap writing tactic, and you've taken me out of the RP with it.

In fact, the whole second half of the RP was only skimmed. I honestly did not bother with it, because it felt completely useless. You are an excellent write, Dave; you have a way with words on paper/the screen, and you can create an amazing story. For you to resort to writing a wrestling match, and then cut a wrestling promo you'd see on a show, is unbecoming of your style. You can explain everything you needed to explain without the wrestling match, and without the wrestling promo. You had solid momentum, and posting this up in your RP just ruins everything you did. This would've worked well as WZCW.com piece, but not to end an RP. The end is supposed to be a climax, and leave you satisfied. This left me disappointed.

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Despite the content of the story, you had an amazing RP during the first half, but all the excellent work you poured into the first half was diminished when I read the second half, putting your RP as an average RP at best.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Eve Taylor (B.B.)​

The only con I have is the fact in a couple places you left some words out of some sentences which threw me off a tiny bit. A bit more proofreading or sending it to someone else would help.


Now the good things. I love the concept of Eve vs Eva and how Eve wants to be the best but Eva is terrified and wants to run away. That's something I personally can relate to which made this RP 10x more awesome for me. You're my pick to win the entire thing this is that good.

Sorry I'm not as articulate in my feedback as others but I don't know what else to say.

You're one of the best for a reason and if people don't think so after reading this they got issues.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Constantine
(Gift of Jericho)​

The first half of this RP was amazing. I loved the rapport between Constantine and Abel with what looks like Holmes getting pushed out of Vis Imperium which I didn't see coming. Had the RP ended here with a bit more to tie everything together it would have been amazing and one of the best RPs of the entire Lottery.

The 2nd half though really brought it down. It's just a .com article and a match both of which you do outside of RPing which made me not really like seeing it in your RP. I kind of get what you were going with this but would have been better as a short description paragraph or Constantine & Abel talking about their time in Mexico.

It was a good RP that could have been better.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Xaitlyn (Kapu) - Lethal Lottery

I have to be honest here, I did not think this was a very good RP. The Heart and Brain conversation was a little out there and this would have fit more for an All Stars character's RP than for a Lethal Lottery RP. I wanted to see more of Xaitlyn herself and what she thought of her entrance order spot following Serra's announcement. A monologue of internal thoughts could have been good for that, or maybe she talks to Ennette. Something major that was lacking was you did not have any descriptions. The whole thing was nothing but a long string of dialogue with a couple of clips of Serra at the start and finish. With no descriptions the Heart and Brain literally just sat there doing nothing but talk. Paint the picture for us. What else is going on while lines are spoken?

You have material to work with to provide us with stronger work following the Lottery. Really show us what is going on in Xaitlyn's thoughts on her situation as a result of the Lottery in the next round, and hopefully that will help you in your next RP.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Vee ADZ - Lethal Lottery

I was disappointed in this RP compared to much of your previous work. I found it to be tough to follow at times and to be perfectly honest, it was a little boring. Your work in the Unscripted cycle in particular was significantly better. Look back on your work from that cycle and try to draw back into that momentum for Kingdom Come. I like to look back on old work to help inspire me, maybe it will help you too.

A part of the problem (though not the full problem) for me comes in the formatting. This may just be me being nit-picky, but I hate not having the names displayed of who is speaking during the dialogue. I often get lost otherwise in trying to figure it out. I recommend returning to the script style next round. Or if you insist on using this style, writing in brighter colors for Vee. The dark blue and the standard text look pretty similar, making those lengthy paragraphs tough to get through. Stick to the script style. I do not speak for everybody but to me it's almost always the better option.

Was "IT" supposed to be Vimal and those other voices from previous RP's? I had difficulty trying to figure out what "IT" was. The "winning is a drug" line at the end was a bit odd, I would have not included that. Isn't Vee straight-edge? It does not sound like something he would say at all based off your other RP's.

The marathon analogy was good idea, but could have been executed better. I would have written it as Vee running a race that had 30 (or a similar number) people in it and slowly competitors began getting tired and unable to finish, with only Vee completing the full contest in the end. Instead of the number of miles decreasing as a focal point, you should have then focused on how many were increasingly unable to complete the intense marathon. It could have been a cool comparison to the Lottery itself, especially if there was a big moment there at the end with Vee being the sole survivor. Vee should have been the only one to finish the marathon with a big focus on this, that and more talk about the actual Lottery would have helped this RP be stronger even when disregarding my formatting suggestions.

I know you are capable of better, so I hope this helps and that you get back into the swing of things next cycle. You can always PM me or others if you want help too.

 

[a0161613]

Theron:
It feels like it’s really lacking something but I can’t put my finger on what. I wonder if it’s because you’re not in the kind of story that plays to your good vs evil strengths. Theron seems to be plodding along a little.

I think I’ve said before that I am not keen on your formatting and I still don’t know if the script style works for you. Putting Voice Over in brackets is something that I think that you can change. You have excellent description, putting something like that in brackets is clumsy and unneeded especially as you could describe it easily enough with a simple sentence.

I like the use of italics, images and text styles though. Beyond that there were a couple of weird word choices that could have been picked up with a thorough proof read or spell check:

Angle zooms in on Theron as he exits to the balcony.

Tiffany is visibly frustrated by this and crosse her arms.

I loved the interaction with Mr Platinum; that whole second section was excellent and made it really interesting. The first section was just about serviceable, I liked the FF joke as an attempt at unappreciated humour.

Mancini:
I’ve got no issue with the first bit. It was what it needed to be and had a couple of funny lines.

The issues come with the second section. The idea is fine even if it is one that is a little overplayed. What I have an issue with is whether this imaginary Don Mancini is all-knowing or not. The big problem comes from these lines which completely threw me for a loop and confused the hell out of me.

Angelo: You're a shit professional wrestler Anthony. You've lost damn near every match you've had so far and the matches you have won mean absolutely nothing.

Tony: I'll have you know I fought for the Eurasian Championship at the Lethal Lottery after becoming #1 contender. I wouldn't say that was a nothing match.

Angelo: It amounted to nothing because it was you who got pinned. You no longer have a claim to anything and have to start all over again at the bottom while you watch other people get the title shots that should be yours. You didn't even make up for it by winning the lottery. Instead you let yourself get ganged up on and thrown out by two men. Like I said you are pathetic.

It didn’t feel like there was any consistency with the perspective of the Angelo character. On top of that it seems to be overly aggressive, used as a way of beating the reader over the head with the idea that Angelo had no opinion over Tony, that Tony has no self-belief and will ultimately try to prove everyone wrong.

I’d repeat what i said to Dagger about putting things in brackets, which you did twice at the end. It forces a very unnatural disconnect when reading as your description isn’t that bad.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Austin Reynolds
(Numbers)​

It seems like most are doing a scene immediately after they get eliminated from the lottery and here it worked. Constantine's anger worked well with Austin's apathy about all of it and you even touched on losing the Elite Openweight Championship and what that means to him.

What threw me for a loop was the complete lack of dialogue in 3/4ths of the RP. The description was on point enough where it painted a picture in my mind. Not to many people could have gotten away with no dialogue in most of their RP but you're on the short list of people that can.

All in all another awesome RP that leaves me wanting more.

 

[ShinChan]

Anthony Mancini

I am going to steal someone's way to feedback. I don't remember whose it was.

What I liked:

The first half. The interaction with Gino and Becky were spot-on. You covered what happened with Tony at Lethal Lottery. Attacking Titus + The Hollow Ones was a right idea. First half was great.

What I disliked:

Biggest flaw: GRAMMAR. I guess that there are only 4-5 commas in the whole RolePlay. I think that atleast a dozen more were required. It created a bunch of confusion. Which easily worsened the reading experience.

Plus, making Angelo too aggressive was a wrong decision. Instead, you could have settled all the differences between them since Tony had earned a title match. I wanted to sympathize with Tony as your motive was. But Angelo's most claims were baseless. You could have instead concentrated more on your opponents.

So first half was great but second half was overdone. Plus, the grammar wasn't right. I think that Vee takes this one.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Blackjack Theron
(Dagger)​

It's not bad. You hit all that needed to be hit in a Post PPV RP.

The only problem I had was with Mr. Platinum. You said it was a big return and mentioned your past with him but I wasn't here for that past. I have no desire to go back a year and find the backstory so it kind of fell flat for me after you hyped it up. Had you found a way to retell that back story for those of us who weren't here last year it would have been pretty awesome but instead while I enjoyed it it was good but could have been better.

 

[Jeff Deliverer of Mail]

BATTI OTAKU

Batti Otaku is WZCWs newest wrestler after her comedic surprise entrance and efforts at Lethal Lottery. The RP explains that Rampart is still very much in her life (her boyfriend) and he's in a wheelchair. I was glad that Rampart was still involved with Batti as he plays a decent straight man to her overenthusiastic antics. It will be interesting to see what lengths she will go to, to hide that she's wrestling in WZCW. The ending teased a possible tag team with Action Saxton (Cue Star Wars theme) and that would be a high level act for sure. IMO Batti Otaku was the one who always stole the show in a Rampart RP, just for the fact that she was so damned likeable and energetic with a fire energy inside. Now that she's the main attraction I hope her character can continue to grow. One slight downside of the RP is reposting sections of the Lethal Lottery match itself. I've never liked when people do that in RPs when simply mentioning the moment (possibly in Batti's own words) would work better since most of us have already read the Lottery itself.

I liked this RP and look forward to the match vs Titus.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Batti Otaku
(Spidey)​

Batti Otaku has been my favorite for a while now due to her over the top weirdness that makes me laugh and smile and that was lacking in this RP a bit.

It was still an amazing RP that I loved to read but a more serious Batti is going to take some getting used to. I enjoyed the use of Ramparte as an NPC. I'm glad he's still got a speaking part in your story, it just wouldn't be the same without him.

My favorite part however was the end with Action Saxton. It left me anxious to for your next RP and where this relationship is going.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Xaitlyn Serpiente
(ShinChan™)​

Thank you for finally giving us a reason Xaitlyn joined WZCW. It's out there and needs to be in the back of your mind with every RP from now on.

There's still a big problem though. The no Dialogue thing was not the best choice. It worked for Numbers because he had some dialogue in the beginning and he's one of the best in the fed. For you it just fell flat. I would have liked to her from Xaitlyn herself about the Lottery and the match with 2 people she's previously lost to.

Not bad and it shows you're finally listening to the feedback we've been giving you but it had a good bit wrong with it. Your going in the right direction though

 

[Dagger Dias]

Tony Mancini (Milenko)

While I did think you had the better RP out of the three in this match and am glad you took some of my advice when you PM'ed me your original draft of this RP.... There are still some changes I would have made.

Starting with the dialogue where Tony is going to bed, you should have included a descriptive paragraph after "Later that night". The reader does not have the greatest idea of where Tony and Gino are until after their conversation. Where is this that they are speaking at? That should come before the dialogue, not after it. Plus, if Tony is offscreen in one line but onscreen the next, how did that happen? Have the room already be where this is taking place to avoid confusion. Here is how I would have written it.


====

The voices of Tony and Gino can be heard from in the hallway outside of Tony's hotel room.

Tony: (off-screen) I'm going to bed Gino, make sure you guys keep it down and try not to wake me up ok?

Gino: (off-screen) Why are you going to bed Ton? The night is still young so why not stay up with us and have some more drinks?

Tony: (off-screen) I've had enough to drink and I'm tired that's why. I've had a big day and my shoulder hurts.

The conversation ends and Tony opens the door, walks into his room and strips down to his boxers before falling into bed. He falls quickly asleep and wakes up to find himself in a dark alley that he had never seen before.

====


There may be an even better way of formatting the off-screen dialogue as others have stated before, but at least this way the transition is better and it's less confusing as to what is going on.

Angelo's "You did what!?" outburst should not have been bolded. Capitalizing the whole line of dialogue there already shows that he is shouting and upset.

The final line of dialogue I would have written differently. Instead of "I do not suck" I would have said something like "We'll see what he thinks after I defeat Vee and Xaitlyn on Ascension this week....I'll show him!". Also, no need to bold "to himself", if he is speaking to himself you can put that in the descriptive paragraph above.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

H̶e̶n̶r̶y̶ Tony Mancini (Milenko)



What the RP was about: Tony Mancini and Gino are taking a cab ride in India to visit Xaitlin. They talk about Tony possibly being a father, and his new partner. They then go into a creepy mansion and follow a snake to Xaitlin. Serpiente agrees to work with him under the condition that he helps her find her mentor's killer, who is rumored to be part of the Mafia. He signs a "non-legal" contract to appease her and they become a tag team.

What I Liked:

• For starters, I am happy to see you are still using Gino, Jam's old character, as an NPC. He needed a bit more character to distance himself from Tony's own personality, but in this RP I really didn't mind it all that much.
  
  
• I'm already going to tell you, that weird scene with Tony and Gino following a snake to Serpiente was pretty fucking cool. Kind of a classic, oddball way of being introduced to a new tag team partner, and I think it was done well.
  
  
• Gino and Xaitlin not getting along is a good thing. In writing you need a character to have a foil to work with. Since it's obvious Tony needs to get along with Xaitlin, the best thing you could have done was have those two not like one another. Makes your RP all the more interesting.
  
  
• I don't know if Kapu wrote his own dialogue for Xaitlin for you or if you came up with it on your own, but it seemed exactly what she would say. It's good to have some synergy and not present Xaitlin as anything but what Kapu would write her as.
  
  
• Having that connection between Xaitlin and Tony (the Mafia) is a decent enough way to get them both on the same page. Tony has to tread into his past to aid Xaitlin who lost her mentor to the Mafia. It's a good start.
  

What Could Be Improved:

• In the beginning it's revealed Tony can possibly be a dad. This gets barely a few lines and how does Tony react? He shakes his head and gives a weak chuckle. With something that major you should give Tony a bit more feeling than a shake of the head and some giggling. I want to empathize with Tony, heel or not. If he's pissed some dead bitch is trying to throw a kid his way, and the court is threatening to arrest him, then make him mad. If he's having a real emotional moment, make him human and have him fight back some tears. It's okay for a villain to express a fatherly disposition. Logan McAllister did it fairly well on his debut. It's better than shrugging off what should be the biggest deal of Tony's life outside of wrestling.
  
  
• Tony went all the way to India without even giving Xaitlin a heads up?
  
  
• I get that Xaitlin wants to trust in Tony, but since the contract he is signing is "non-legal" then what point is there really to signing it? He could easily just shake hands with her, or give her his word. If you want Tony to sign something with merit, make it legal and binding.
  
  
• As much as I liked Gino and Xaitlin not getting along, the hostility was out of nowhere. She has disgust in her eyes for a guy she doesn't know? Maybe if he had done something a bit more that warranted a word like disgust from Xaitlin, I can buy that. Xaitlin could ask who he is, see that he isn't important, and ask him to leave. That's alright. But you have to be careful with metaphors, because they can come off as overdramatic. Same thing goes with "With fury in his eyes Gino silently storms out of the room..." He's not just a little huffed, but full on fury, rage, and Hellfire because he was asked to leave a room? It's good to use words like "fury" and "disgust", passionate words, when the circumstances themselves are of passion. Seeing a stranger and leaving a room doesn't seem the right time for that.
  
  
• Gino shook his head in disbelief at Tony wanting beef in India. Tony shook his head in disbelief at the thought of being a father to a dead lover's child. This sort of goes back to my problem with treating Tony being a dad as something trivial, as you use the same body language for two things (Tony's appetite and Tony's possible offspring) that in no way should be similar. But there is another thing here that could be worked on. Unless you can't help it, never EVER use the same expressions twice. You could have Gino use another indicator that he is appalled or just amazed at what Tony is saying. You could have him close his eyes and mouth to himself "Why me?", Gino could look at Tony incredulously, or maybe even a little awkward silence. If he must shake his head in disbelief, word it differently. He shook his head, astonished at what Tony said. He tsked at Tony. You could even cut the phrase "in disbelief" out and it will read smoother.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Batti Otaku
(Spidey)​

I'm running out of ways to say how much I love Batti. You write a crazy WZCW fan girl so well I'm starting to wonder if you are in fact a crazy WZCW fan girl.

You wrote Action Saxton just as good a Doc and I love the fact he wanted to off Michael Bolton. I hate Michael Bolton.

The Theron & Mikey Cameos were nice and again you wrote them as good as Yaz & Dagger.

The end had me wanting to read more which is the perfect time to stop. I'm hungry for more and a bit upset it ended which (to me) is one of the signs of an amazing writer.

 

[The Doctor]

You wrote Action Saxton just as good a Doc and I love the fact he wanted to off Michael Bolton. I hate Michael Bolton.

I contest this.

Not that you hate Michael Bolton - I'm pretty sure that's true. I do, however, contest that he wrote Saxton "just as good [as me]". I feel that saying that does a disservice to both of us.

Saxton as Spidey wrote him is not the Saxton that I would have written (have written, am writing). I can name a laundry list of things that Spidey did that I never would have done in a million years. Example: Hard swearing. Saxton swears a lot less than people think he does. Now, this might sound like a condemnation, but it isn't, and this is why the RP and Batti works as well as they do.

WZCW readers do not see Saxton in the same light as I do. Right now, especially, with his Lottery appearance, I tried to show that disconnect fairly clearly. Saxton has always been about the image vs. the man, the fantasy vs. the reality, and that is why this RP is so damn good. Batti sees Saxton the way someone like you or someone like Dave saw him, or in-universe how the WZCW faithful who were around for Saxoteur saw him - a larger-than-life, grittier-than-reality, absurd and comedic over-the-top character. That is why I am loving what Spidey is doing with the character. I don't see it entirely as "canon", but I see it as how Batti sees the situation going down. Right now, we are in Batti's world, seeing WZCW through Batti's eyes, and as someone who used that exact same narrative device in my own RPs way back in the day I can't think of a better way someone could have ran with this. She is a fan and that extends not just in her dialogue but in her prose and when the RP experience is that cohesive it makes for magic.

Spidey, your RP was hilarious. It was goofy, it was fun, it flowed. Batti injects so much life and character into WZCW and to see her as a fixture of the company now fills my soul with light. Keep doing what you're doing. If I could make some suggestions it would be that a few more references, either explicit or oblique, towards your opponents would have been nice since I love Batti's trash-talk, but other than that you've gotten scene-setting down pat.

The final section with Ramparte really tied it together, and I loved how it felt very different from the rest of the promo, providing that needed contrast to hammer in the point above.

Comedy should be taken seriously, and you're definitely doing that.