Sketch Comedy!

[enviousdominous]

Oh balls. I've become so stressed out from a week of trying to meticulously plan and prioritize my unhealthy indulgences, that I ran out of comically huge syringes of adrenaline to inject directly into my heart. I need straight excitement, no chaser. Internet, I order you to sodomize my imagination.


GADZOOKS! I just experienced excitement to the power of ten billion! I feel like I'm going super saiyan in this motherfucker! There's only one way to spend my overflowing mojo, and that is as a hard boiled detective who likes to scream his own name. Let the rapture begin!

 

[enviousdominous]

It's always been my dream in life to have everything, if only to rub it in the face of everyone else that I have it and they don't. You have to give things to get things, so my strategy is to take a vow of poverty and wait for everything to come to me. Also; if I can't technically have the universe, I'll take Ms. Universe instead.


I SAW THAT! You looked at Ms. Universe, you summabitch, I saw her in that video first. If I see something, it should belong to me after all. I will now turn around and stare at nothing for a few weeks.

 

[enviousdominous]

Family is everything, so expand on everything and make a bigger family. Talk about your family at the most inappropriate times, to your family, and ensure that fully understanding how many different ways you're connected is mathematically arbitrary.


And just in case some Farkel wanders up to you and suggests that you may be a Farkel as well, play along. Exacerbate the whacked out reality that you've apparently wandered in to, and at no point break character.

 

[enviousdominous]

I loosely expected that I could fix complex machinery by playing minstrel music and walking around all funny-like, then wouldn't you know it, I didn't expect that result loosely enough!


Screw these screwy machines. The ancient Egyptians built pyramids with lost technologies of engineering, so therefore the best technology is that which nobody has any awareness of. *BLEHHH*

 

[enviousdominous]

HOLY MOSES! It's voting day. I need to vote RIGHT NOW! While I'm gone, make sure to... DAMMIT! The phone. One second.


Now Sir Walter Raleigh is trying to push smoking on me!? How am I supposed to relieve stress through smoking if I haven't voted yet!? How am I supposed to vote if I haven't smoked a deliciously deadly cigarette!?

 

[enviousdominous]

If you know me, you know that I love gardening. Gardening is a great way to forget everything that exists in this world outside of the fun plants that you're planting and the level of extreme danger that gardening puts you in. You should also know that I hate dying, so I heed the helpful advice of master horticulturist Michael Swaim, and you should too.


WHOA! WAIT! Where are that sexy man's knee pads!? This is a clear OSHA violation, and a most disgusting one at that. If you have a weak stomach, don't watch Michael Swaim do things. Instead, watch this helpful video depicting all the things that can happen if you garden carelessly.

 

[enviousdominous]

Hey Wrestlezone! I'm feeling a might peckish. I'm thinking that I just want to nibble on a small tidbit of comedy, nothing too fancy. Why, it would be ethically hedonistic to take more comedy than my current appetite could bear.


Oh my! I can hardly contain my hunger! I want to gorge myself on comedy now! My hunger can only be indulged by comedy that's raw, tender, and so wholesome that it causes my brain to go into shock!

 

[enviousdominous]

Well I hope you're all happy! Bouncing off the motherfucking walls, joy to the motherfucking world, Hava-na-fucking-gila! If you need me, I'll be in the sky!


YES I CAN LIVE IN THE SKY! I just have to believe so hard that I crap myself from both ends, and heed the warnings of yesterday's weather report.

 

[enviousdominous]

Oh baby, we got ourselves such a sly and foxy forum here. The coveted WrestleZone Forum shouldn't limit itself to simply allowing dorks like me to gunk it up with silly ideas. If the WWE could get a tv deal with FOX, so can we! Alright WrestleZone Forum, show me what you got!


Ah, okay. That was umm, something. Look, I'll be honest. You're running on fumes here, and not those delicious fumes that Klunderbunker's discarded underwear produces. I'll give you one more chance to excite me!

 

[enviousdominous]

Wake up WrestleZone! You used to be the perennial source of all the pro-wrestling gossip. ALL THE PRO-WRESTLING GOSSIP! And now you're like Batfink getting his ass kicked by StupidMan!


I mean, COME ON! At this rate, we're going to need to go back in time to when SlyFox ripped a huge brain fart and prevent him from doing so!