If your child was terminally ill, would you tell them?

[HBK-aholic]

A woman recently has gained a lot of bad publicity after finding out her daughter had terminal cancer and deciding not to tell her. The mum was told the girl had 6 months to live, yet actually lived for another 4 years. She believes keeping the extent of the illness a secret helped that. I'm inclined to agree.

I think if I had a child that ill I wouldn't tell them about it. I wouldn't want her waking up wondering if today was going to be the day, or going to sleep wondering if she'd ever wake up. That's not exactly a childhood, and if she only had a short time to live I wouldn't want her to spend it wondering like that.

What would you do?

 

[klunderbunker]

No I wouldn't tell her for one reason: what if it's wrong? in the world we live in today, a child's innocence is something that's becoming harder and harder to maintain. I've heard of a movement to tell children there's no such thing as Santa when they're two years old. That's a thread for another time, but it illustrates my point. In the fast paced world that we live in today, children should be allowed to be children for as long as they can because the real world is a scary place. Being sick all the time is something that would bother a child enough, but to know that after a given amount of time they're likely to be dead is ridiculous. It's like saying this is where no matter what you do, it doesn't matter because it's over. There's always the chance that the cancer could be cured or for some reason not kill the person. By telling them that they're going to die, you're taking away their hope, which is something that children are allowed to have blindly, which is the best thing about them. No way would I tell my son or daughter abou tit. That's something a parent should shield them from.

 

[NSL]

I'm really torn on this. On one hand, you have a duty to protect your child from everything that can harm them, and on the other, you have the duty to help them get through the tough times that they don't understand.

If you tell them, they may live with the feeling that they'll be gone at any minute, and that can either tear their world down, or give it a whole new meaning. If you don't tell them, they can live thinking everything will be OK, or they will live suffering, not knowing what pains them.

I think that for the long run, telling them is the best idea. Maybe it sounds selfish, but it gets the weight off of your back entirely, and then you both have a support system, knowing that you are both suffering together. You can also reach out, make your child's life better, and let them know you love them every second of every day. I think the ultimate fear is that after they finally did pass, I'd live with the guilt that it was me who gave them the death sentence. That I didn't let them be the judge of their own life.

It's a very tough call, and hopefully one I'll never have to make.

 

[SSJPhenom]

I couldn't tell my child (if I had one) that they were terminally ill. I just couldn't. I wouldn't want my child to worry with such things as death. I mean, c'mon, it is a child! Children are supposed to think that they are indestructable and almost immortal. I would want my child to be as happy as they possibly could be if they only had months to live and if they lived longer, I would want that happiness to continue until it was over.

 

[Brilliant Human Being]

For me, it depends on how old my child was. God forbid I'd ever have to make that decision, but if my child was say, over the age of 10, and I felt that they were mature enough to deal with it, then I maybe could. But it would be the most soul-destroying conversation to have with your child, I don't know if I could do it. But if we're talking about 6 year olds, then I would tell my child, but only when I know that there's nothing that can be done about it.

 

[Dave]

I don't think I would tell them.

As KB said, there are times when people have received news that they are terminally ill, only to find out that it was a misdiagnosis. I would hate for me to pour my heart out to my child and for them to wake up every morning thinking that it could very well be their last. Telling them does nothing but make them feel terrible and that's even if they comprehend what is going on. No, I wouldn't tell them. It really makes no sense to tell them and it would take away all of their innocence in one sentence. Let them be kids and enjoy what they have left, in my opinion.

Ignorance really is bliss.

 

[X]

Dave summed up this issue perfectly to me: ignorance is bliss.

Depending on the age of my child, I don't think I'd tell her/him that they had a terminally ill disease. What possible reason could there be to tell a six year old child they are going to die? They likely aren't even capable of understanding the concept of death. Why burden them? You need to make their last days as enjoyable as possible, not try to make them understand their own mortality. If my child were 12 or 13 years old though, that's a different story, because they're perfectly capable of understanding the situation they're in. In that case, they'd likely need to know. It would be tough, but it wouldn't be right to keep them in the dark.

It really depends on their age. But if they were under ten years old, no, I wouldn't tell them.

 

[Razor]

I would totally and completely tell my child. I couldn't lie to them for every single day they have left. No way could I do such a thing. And it's not like you can really keep it from them from long. Aren't they going to get suspicious when the Chemo stops because the doctors deem they don't have much time left, so it's up to the parent to keep Chemo going? Aren't they going to worry when their body starts to quit on them?

This is the reason I can't work as a pediatrician. Not only would I have to work with dying children everyday, but I would have to respect a parent's wishes if they didn't want to tell the child. I would simply have to tell the child. Children aren't naive people who don't see what is going on right in front of them. They're much more perceptive, and know much more than we give them credit.

Essentially, I'd have to tell them because if I didn't, I'd feel like I was treating my child as a person who didn't even deserve to know what was happening with their own body. That didn't deserve to know their body was about to fail, that they were about to have to leave this world forever. They deserve to know that. Everyone deserves to know that.

 

[Mrs. Randy Orton]

For me, it would depend on the age. A young kid does not need to know they are seriously ill and have only so much time to live. They wouldn't really understand death but could you really tell a kid that young 'this means you will not be here with mommy and daddy'? That is awful....


A teen, yeah, I would tell them because they are older and will understand things like this a hell of a lot more.


Either way, I hope I never run into this situation, ever, especially if it involves a young kid. My husband's brother died this year and we decided to take a walk around the cemetary after visiting his grave yesterday and we saw one grave for a 6 year old girl who died. Not sure what she died of but to see the grave of a kid...wow, it was really sad.

 

[antfarm612]

Unless my kid was almost an adult, I really don't see the point. What exactly is the benefit, to you, your child, or anyone else, in telling your kid they're going to die soon?