Til Death(ish) do us part

[#hamler]

"I'll love you no matter what"

Life is full of unexpected events. One day, one could be living the American dream, the next one could be living the American nightmare. Anyone could have their lives transformed into something they do not want to expirience. Just by their significant others suffering from some kind of deformation --a missing limb, stroke, wheel chair-- anything could happen. With the sky rocketing divorce rates, it seems as if one would just leave their significant other. But is that the case with everyone? Is there still true love out there?

Statistics are Fucked Up

This was a legitimate study that was done under the guide of Seton Hill University, with the results verified through cross matching programs done by Psychology Today, and subsequently published. I couldnt find the article, just the results. I found my research on the idea of significant injuries and divorce rate/dissolving of partnerships. They defined a "significant injury" as one that causes a spouse/significant other to become a caretaker rather then a partner.

Out of a sample of 3,400 people, all anonymous, here's the results;

- 53% of those whose spouse's/significant other's sufferred a "significant injury" left their partner within a year.
- 48% of those who left were between the ages of 20-29
- 29% were between the ages of 30-39
- 12% were between the ages of 40-49
- 11% were between the ages of 50-59

- Citing reason, heres the results on those 55%(total) said that they left because the burden was too great

-25% left because they said their partner became depressed as well and they couldn't handle the changes in mood.
-20% cited an inability to engage in sexual activities as they did before as the reason.

Discussion Questions

Would you part ways with your "significant other" if they were to suffer from some sort of deformation? (Cited in the first paragraph)

What is your opinion on those who do leave their "significant other"?

If not explained before-How would you handle the situation?


Discuss this shit.

 

[Xemmy]

Would you part ways with your "significant other" if they were to suffer from some sort of deformation? (Cited in the first paragraph)
I'd try not to. But it's possible. I'd have to find a way to rationalize it in my own head. Otherwise the guilt would eat me.

What is your opinion on those who do leave their "significant other"?
I don't blame them. Change is hard, some people get through it, others don't. Sometime it's hard to continue to be with someone who isn't the way they were when you met them.- Alot of them these days involve the military, and often they marry young and foolishly.

If not explained before-How would you handle the situation?
It's difficult to answer that. I've never been put in that situation, and I hope I never will. I won't jump up and say that I'm so great that I would never leave someone for those reasons. I don't believe in true love. I believe in compatibility. People love those that satisfy their needs.

 

[Loveless]

Would you part ways with your "significant other" if they were to suffer from some sort of deformation?

My ex was seriously ill throughout her life and this eventually lead her to a heart attack when she was about 25. What followed was a very difficult time as she was never the easiest person to begin with but I can't say I ever seriously considered leaving, guilt may have played it's part in that but I was always aware that it was worse for her than me. In the end you'll work through it if they're worth the effort and I never doubted she was.
I really think too many relationships are based around short-term ideals with no concept of what's fundamental to a person and what will change over time. I have a naive friend who wants to get married in the believe it will save/improve her 5 year relationship. I haven't the heart to tell her that once you reach that stage, the best you can hope for is that things simply stay as good as they are/don't get any worse.


What is your opinion on those who do leave their "significant other"?

It's very easy to criticize these people from outside but when actually confronted with the reality, I'm far more willing to be sympathetic and give them a chance. But not those that leave because of a lack of sex, that's pathetic.

 

[ABMorales787]

Would you part ways with your "significant other" if they were to suffer from some sort of deformation?

What is your opinion on those who do leave their "significant other"?

If not explained before-How would you handle the situation?

I'll answer all three with the best darn answer I can muster. I DON'T KNOW. Yeah, that's it. Unless you go through that experience, that you actually loved a person, got married, the person got sick and it all fell apart, you can't tell. Because that boils down to personal moral in the face of that circumstance. Because that's like claiming you aren't afraid of the dark, then you end up locked in a dark closet and start freaking out. No matter what you say, no matter how convicted you believe you are, you just don't know if you'll crack.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Would you part ways with your "significant other" if they were to suffer from some sort of deformation?

If we weren't financially well-off, then possibly. If she couldn't have sex anymore (or didn't want to) and I was still under the age of 60, then probably.

Those are the only two times I would ever see myself leaving an ill or handicapped partner that I've committed myself to. I would never think less of my significant other for a deformity; as long as she could get over the mental obstacles of the deformity herself, I'd have no problem with it.

What is your opinion on those who do leave their "significant other"?

If it's for purely vain purposes, then I think they're fucking assholes. If staying with them means constant struggle in a life that's already built on a shaky foundation, then I sympathize with them and can see where they're coming from.

If not explained before-How would you handle the situation?


Discuss this shit.

If I've had a happy, secure life with them up to the point of their deformity, then the chances of me leaving them are slim to none. I've already been through plenty of shit in my own life and I'm humbled by the fact that there have been people that have stuck by me through the darkest of times. There are only one or two cases (explained above) where I wouldn't stick by someone whom I deeply love.

 

[TheOneBigWill]

Would you part ways with your "significant other" if they were to suffer from some sort of deformation? (Cited in the first paragraph)

It's a little bit harder than a simple yes or no. Even to say the deformation was any one thing specifically, a lot more goes into detail in answering than a simple yes or no.

For example; If my 'other half' were crippled to the point of needing constant supervision, or care. If she were crippled to the point of being confined to a wheelchair, or unable to leave our home (with exception of Doctor related visits), if a question of whether or not sexual acts could be done any longer..

I would say a great deal would be tested, and at the age of 28 (going on 29), I'm not ready to end my sexual adventures. However, would I want to leave her? Why? Because she's crippled? Absolutely not.

I would not leave my Wife if she were crippled and injured from the head down. Or feet up. Even if she couldn't have sex, or perform sexual acts any longer, I would not leave her. It would be difficult, and very hard to overcome, but it is not a situation in which you up and leave your life partner.

Now, as for anything sexual related - that's where it gets extremely tough to call. Now, before I go on and say anything further, I will say this; I don't care who you are, if you have any type of sex life you won't be willing to suddenly give that all up on a dime due to someone else's life injury. You can say you would, until you're blue in the face, but until you're truly faced with doing it - you simply don't know what you'd do.

In my position, I can almost say point blank - I love sexual relations so much, I don't think I'd be able to simply quit having sex involved in my life. And *********ion is simply not a sole option. Now, with everything considered, I wouldn't want to say I'd go out and willingly cheat on my crippled Wife.. HOWEVER, it would come to a point of..

I don't stop loving my Wife. I don't wish to leave my Wife, merely because she's crippled. But sex is just sex in some situations, and under this type of circumstance, perhaps this is the "grey area" in which you break the vows and find a lover with no emotional ties.

If a role was reversed, and I was the crippled individual; I would like to think I'd rather my Wife left me and found a happier life with someone who could provide for her, and give her the emotional, mental and physical love she deserved. Inside I can say 100% that would kill me to see happen, and even find the words to tell her to do such a thing.. but if I'm secure enough to say I'd want my Wife to be understanding enough to let me go have sexual (meaningless or otherwise) relations with another Woman, then who am I to deny her a similar situation?

Is it wrong? Yeah, I'm almost positive it would be.

But the bottomline is you either have to give up a lot, or understand new rules need to be made on what can and can not be done in selective situations.

I wouldn't go out and have sex with someone if my crippled Wife was unaccepting of it, but if I couldn't have sex with my Wife any longer - the question would find its way into a conversation sooner or later, on how the need gets filled.

What is your opinion on those who do leave their "significant other"?

Unacceptable, in any form short of mutual agreement. Deformation isn't a reason to leave the individual you married. The vows state "for better or worse", and this would be considered "worse".

Speaking personally, I didn't get married to think one day I could simply walk away from everything because "something changed". If vows are broken, (cheating, lying, abuse) it's one thing. Mental or Physical injury is beyond a person's control (in most situations); and in this situation, leaving them because they became cripple is purely unacceptable.

Once again, though, there is a difference between leaving them and altering life to being acceptable for everyone involved. I'm not going to leave my helpless Wife, but I shouldn't be expected to give up several desires and needs in life, simply because my Wife becomes unable to give them to me, herself.

If not explained before-How would you handle the situation?

I'd stay unless forced to leave by my Wife, herself. At which point, I still don't think I would be able to cut all ties with her. I love my Wife, we've shared so much together as it is and overcome so much as it stands now. We've built a life between us, and a new obstacle is just that.. something more to overcome and continue writing the story of "us".

Life isn't easy, anyone who says otherwise is selling lies.

 

[LSN80]

This study was actually my graduate thesis when I was completing my Master's at Seton Hill University. I was legitimately surprised at the results of said study. Of the thousands of people we anonymously polled, over half left their spouses/significant others. The reason it hit so close to home was this project/study/thesis was done with a partner, and my partner happened to be one of those people who fit into the class of those whose spouse left them because they were wheelchair bound for the rest of their life. Im attempting to locate the actual article(it was done on a different computer and I didn't back it up) so anyone who wants to read it can do so.

Would you part ways with your "significant other" if they were to suffer from some sort of deformation?

I couldn't, because it would be like the pot calling the kettle black. Ive had three ankle and three knee surgeries, all severe ones at that, since Ive been married. My wife has stood by side and has been my caretaker during those times, and it would be quite hypocritical for me to leave her if she sufferred a similar fate, even if permanent. As a guy, I love sex, honestly, and that would be the hardest part, especially if she could no longer engage in it, or was limited. But I love her for reasons far deeper then anything sexual, and those would still endure despite anything that may happen to her. I would consider it an honor in many ways to be her caretaker, not that I would wish to be, or wish that situation upon her.

That being said, I can't, for any stretch of the imagination, picture life without sex. This is where life becomes much more tricky. At the same time, for as long as my wife is alive, I couldn't imagine myself having sex with anyone other then her. I say that from the perspective of someone who before marriage had sex freely with almost any woman who was willing, regardless of their relationship status or mine. But my devotion to my wife has changed that aspect of me, and I couldn't imagine, even at 28, having sex with anyone other then her until the day she were to pass.

What is your opinion on those who do leave their "significant other"?

I think it's quite selfish of them. I truly believe in the title of this thread, "Til death do us part." When I said my wedding vows, I promised to do so in sickness AND in health, not one or the other. I imagine most people did the same. I can empathize with the person who makes the decision to leave because they can't handle the radical changes in their lifestyle, because it would be quite a large one. The emotional, physical, and financial toll it would take on someone would be enormous. I can't say it's not doable, quite the contrary. But I can empathize with everyone other then the 20% who did leave their significant others because of sex alone. I dont condone it, but it's a tough reality.

If not explained before-How would you handle the situation?

I would try to make the best of it, and do everything I could to take care of her. I'd try to look at things from her perspective and the frustration she would feel in no longer being able to engage in an equal partnership, let alone simple day to day activities. That would be enough to make someone feel quite alone and isolated. I would do everything within my power to not change the way I treated her in any way, or like a victim, because I know she wouldn't have it any other way. And I would do whatever it took to make things work from a sexual standpoint as well.