I was sitting happily the other day, having a refreshing drink of cold lager on a fresh winter morning, and then for no apparent reason, I started to choke. With my faster than lightning reflexes, I managed to punch myself in the stomach and make myself cough. This brought up the refreshing alcoholic beverage though my nose and made my eyes hurt, but at least I was alive! It was during this near death experience that my whole life flashed before my very eyes (yeah, there wasn't much). I wondered if I would be going to a glorious place called Heaven, or if I would be sent deep down to the bowls of Hell with the rest of the entire population of this planet. All apart from the Flanders family of course.
Deadly Beer
This life threatening beer did make me wonder how difficult is it to get into heaven though? Nowadays, everything seems to be a sin. For example: Swearing, drinking alcohol, under age sex (I don't mean the R Kelly way), smoking weed, drinking alpine fresh toilet duck and I even watching porn is a sin because Lust is the 7th commandment and right next to Lust in the bible it reads
Thou shall not perv over scantly clad women getting nailed by other women.
It also brought me to the thought "How do you get into heaven?" Maybe there's a special guest list where you have to have your name down, or perhaps when you're walking up the stairway to heaven and through the Pearly Gates, you see at the very top there's two heavy set guys asking
Names Not Down, Your not coming in
"Ave ya got ID on ya there, mate?"
And you say
"Err, I've kind of left it with my past life on the Bedside table. I didn't think I'd need it."
And they reply
"Sorry mate your gonna have to go to Hell!"
Blaggers Pass
Who ordered the Ham and Mushroom?So the bouncers won't let you in with no form of identification, so its time for the blaggers route. Try telling them the biggest load of bullshit they have ever heard. Tell them you're a pizza boy/girl and you've got a 15"inch ham and mushroom waiting for the big guy/gal in the sky. After all, God would be mighty pissed if it got cold. Or maybe tell the bouncers that you're a writer for Ministry Magazine and you're writing an article for next month's edition about resident DJ's, and you've chosen God to write as your subject because, as Faithless once said, "God is a DJ!" Just remember, be creative. The better the idea, the bigger the chance of getting let in. Here's a hint: Never tell them you're a Jehovah's witness. Nobody lets them in. Especially God!
Cunning Disguise
So, it seems this place Heaven is even harder to get into than Britney's changing room. No ID, no blaggers pass and not a chance in hell! The only other way would be to die wearing a hysterically funny pair of glasses with a massive plastic nose and a pair of over sized fluffy eyebrows attached to them. Then you could hope you don't get recognized and you get full access to heaven by mistake. (Including Britney's changing room).
A Cunning Disguise
On the other hand, if none of my amazing plans to get into heaven work out, I wonder what's so wrong with hell? Do they put pineapple on pizza? Is TV just full of mind numbing shit like Eastenders and Changing Rooms, or is it simply just full of reckless drunk drivers, kiddie fiddlers, psychos, rapists, thieves, asylum seekers and drug addicts.
Wait a second, all those sound very familiar. Do you suppose we're already there?
Deadly Beer
This life threatening beer did make me wonder how difficult is it to get into heaven though? Nowadays, everything seems to be a sin. For example: Swearing, drinking alcohol, under age sex (I don't mean the R Kelly way), smoking weed, drinking alpine fresh toilet duck and I even watching porn is a sin because Lust is the 7th commandment and right next to Lust in the bible it reads
Thou shall not perv over scantly clad women getting nailed by other women.
It also brought me to the thought "How do you get into heaven?" Maybe there's a special guest list where you have to have your name down, or perhaps when you're walking up the stairway to heaven and through the Pearly Gates, you see at the very top there's two heavy set guys asking
Names Not Down, Your not coming in
"Ave ya got ID on ya there, mate?"
And you say
"Err, I've kind of left it with my past life on the Bedside table. I didn't think I'd need it."
And they reply
"Sorry mate your gonna have to go to Hell!"
Blaggers Pass
Who ordered the Ham and Mushroom?So the bouncers won't let you in with no form of identification, so its time for the blaggers route. Try telling them the biggest load of bullshit they have ever heard. Tell them you're a pizza boy/girl and you've got a 15"inch ham and mushroom waiting for the big guy/gal in the sky. After all, God would be mighty pissed if it got cold. Or maybe tell the bouncers that you're a writer for Ministry Magazine and you're writing an article for next month's edition about resident DJ's, and you've chosen God to write as your subject because, as Faithless once said, "God is a DJ!" Just remember, be creative. The better the idea, the bigger the chance of getting let in. Here's a hint: Never tell them you're a Jehovah's witness. Nobody lets them in. Especially God!
Cunning Disguise
So, it seems this place Heaven is even harder to get into than Britney's changing room. No ID, no blaggers pass and not a chance in hell! The only other way would be to die wearing a hysterically funny pair of glasses with a massive plastic nose and a pair of over sized fluffy eyebrows attached to them. Then you could hope you don't get recognized and you get full access to heaven by mistake. (Including Britney's changing room).
A Cunning Disguise
On the other hand, if none of my amazing plans to get into heaven work out, I wonder what's so wrong with hell? Do they put pineapple on pizza? Is TV just full of mind numbing shit like Eastenders and Changing Rooms, or is it simply just full of reckless drunk drivers, kiddie fiddlers, psychos, rapists, thieves, asylum seekers and drug addicts.
Wait a second, all those sound very familiar. Do you suppose we're already there?
